Folly

Work stress, work bullying, as unpleasant as it has ever been. Wouldn’t I have phoned dad to tell him about, not long ago? Not to complain, but to laugh – to agree on the folly of the world. Bitter comedy, but there was sharing in that laughter – we laughed together; it confirmed what we knew: the world is a vale of tears, but folly, all of human foolishness, is funny. And now? I can’t ring him, and must admit to myself that it was not only to laugh with him that I used to phone him. Wasn’t his an authority from which I reconfirmed my strength?

Efficacy: why is it that I like to feel efficacious? Because when my strength is required it flatters me that I am strong. This afternoon, in the gym, I felt the bile rise when I was bench pressing weights. Felt a kind of sickness: vile world! And then, showering, my nose began to bleed. As I soaked up the blood, later, with balls of toilet paper, I thought: there is no one’s strength but my own, now, on which I can draw. My own strength, and no one to laugh with at the folly of the world.