W. knows I think I got one over on the world, that I fleeced everyone. He knows behind my gratitude lies resentment, that my smile is the smile of a con-man, a robber. – 'You think you've got away with something, don't you?', W. says. 'You think they don't know'.
But in fact, I've got away with nothing. The fact that I have a career, that I've been able to publish this and then that, has fooled no one. All I've done is humiliate myself. All I've done is to bring myself down. I thought I could raise myself a little higher – thought that I could lift myself a little above the rest, but what have I done?
Reached a height only to cast myself down a little further. Climbed only in order to fall, and I'm taking him with me. How was W. caught up in this adventure?, he often wonders. How was he implicated in it all? But still there he is, with me, crawling along the parapet, on his hands and knees, thinking he got away with it all …
Lars Iyer's Blog 