Thanatography

The Experience of Writing

A child’s questions, says Freud, give ultimately unto the marvel that anything exists at all. Perhaps it is the same with the question we want to pose a writer: how he came to write this imposing work or that, whom he admires among his contemporaries or his forebears, what books he keeps close to him – it is first of all the fact of the work that is marvellous. In the end, the gift that separates him from us is that he has written those pages, and everything else in his life that seems significant to us is so only because of his gift.

In the case of Blanchot, something more is at issue, for his activity as a writer is as it were doubled upon itself, taking as its concern the possibility and impossibility of writing itself, and endlessly let its own wellspring return – and that of all literature – in his literary criticism. He explores the relationship between the writer and inspiration, the work and the book; he explores the ‘light, innocent task of reading’, and he links the fate of the writing with the end of civilisation of the Book. But these are questions he also asks with his life, and it is for this reason his biography is not merely the incidental supplement to a dazzling oeuvre.

How was Blanchot able to pursue these questions, to live them? For some time, I’ve wanted to write a short biographical essay on Blanchot: a simple task, but one I have found very difficult. Surely it would require the summarising of the main points of Bident’s excellent biography, supplementing it with a few marginal reflections of my own?

But then there is the question of remembering the experience Blanchot insists are particular to the writer. Didn’t Blanchot say in his correspondence that his fictions usually preceded his theoretical reflections, as if they were a kind of laboratory in which he formed his hypotheses?

Experiment, experience – but I don’t think there can be an absolute division of genre in Blanchot’s oeuvre, whatever he might suggest. The fictions, like his more theoretical essays, are magnified by the same event, the same experience passing through its field. What does it mean to write? In what does the experience of writing consist? Let us follow the course of Blanchot’s own meditations on writing and upon in his own authorship.

The Spiritual Animal Kingdom

Prior to the work, the work of art, the work of writing, the work of words, there is no artist – neither a writer nor a speaking subject – since it is the production that produces the producer, bringing to life or making him appear in the act of substantiating him (which, in a simplified manner, is the teaching of Hegel and even the Talmud: doing takes precedence over being, which does not create itself except in creating – what? Perhaps anything: how this anything is judged depends on time, on what happens, on what does not happen: what we call historical factors, history, without however looking to history for the last judgement). But if the written work produces and substantiates the writer, once created it bears witness only to his dissolution, his disappearance, his defection and, to express it more brutally, his death, which itself can never be definitively verified: for it is a death that can never produce any verification.

That from the opening of ‘After the Fact’, written to accompany the publication of two early stories. Blanchot sends us to Hegel – I think to that section of Phenomenology of Spirit called ‘The Spiritual Animal Kingdom and Deceit, or the "Matter in Hand" Itself’, the first part of which gave Blanchot the title of the essay eventually collected as ‘Literature and the Right to Death.’

It is a certain kind of work which produces the individual, according to Hegel. It is conditional on the appearance of a class of skilled labourers, whose work is in an important sense an expression of their individuality. A class whose work is valued for exactly that reason.

Yet the world of such specialised creatures (‘animals’, Hegel calls them, finding them deficient in what would make them whole human beings) is not yet a world. Each is separate; each paces separately around their own cage taking himself for an individual real in and for himself even as each is only a fragment. A fragment, though, busily occupied with the ‘task at hand’: that labour in which she disinterestedly relinquishes selfish gain from her task. Her accomplishments are now measurable by public approval; his talents and skills are recognised by others and by society at large.

Hegel reserves the merchant class for special ire because they have busily translated all value to a monetary measure. ‘Currency must be honoured, but family, welfare, life etc., may all perish’. The problem, for Hegel, lies in the fact that merchants do not embody a universal class; they seek to serve only themselves. The true universal class would work for the Good of society as a whole; compare the civil servant who would aim at Justice in general, or the scholar who aims at Truth.

What happens when the bourgeois animal fails to receive this recognition? When the conceit of one’s self-worth is mismatched in the work produced? When the book you have written seems to fall short of the talents and skills you are sure you harbor? Begin again; start over again – write more books. Here is a strange cousin of hedonism where what compels you is not the sense of success but of failure. ‘Next time I’ll get it right’.

Inadequacy

Consciousness, for Hegel, is the act of relating to oneself; it is for-itself. The world appears to stand apart from this self-relating as what is in-itself. But the in-itself and the for-itself interpenetrate; the talents, strengths and abilities of the individual unfold through her actions.

In the spiritual animal kingdom, being is no longer the obdurate in-itself to which you have to accommodate yourself, but is what is given to you in your labours. Once again, there is the chance of passing from the darkness of possibility to the light of presence, from the abstract in-itself, inert being to the transformation of the world in view of the completion of a goal.

Here, your existence is a projection into the future, actualising what you will and expressing what you are. As such, the reality of the in-itself can no longer be opposed to the individual. The ability to act is all; the world only unfolds what exists in potential. Action has no beginning; it is the ever-changing response to situations; the individual seeks the means to unfold its potential, to translate what is interior to what is exterior; to act. It is not that you have a blueprint which would tell you what to do in any given situation; rather, you learn what you are through your works, that is, your deeds. To act is also to learn what one is.

So does individuality discovers itself in the world; its work is ultimately the expression of the individual. What we are reveals itself outside of us. The in-itself is always mediated; action is to be understood as negativity, as what has already overcome the given. Such overcoming, the ongoing transformation of the world, is the joy of consciousness. To test your strength! To know your powers! To receive, through engagement with the world, the confirmation of what you are – this is the marvel! The transition from potential and possibility to work is experienced as joy; the individual spreads her wings and contemplates her glory in her work.

But what happens when the work is finished and the work of negation done? True, the self moves on; it will find itself in a new situation requiring the mobilisation of different means in order to achieve its goal. But this movement means there is a kind of lapse in the work of self-expression. Action itself is always in lieu of a complete and final self-expression. Of course, there can be no masterwork in the face of which the individual can lay down its arms.

Consciousness is to be distinguished from its works; it can be said to transcend them. So does a diremption open between what consciousness takes itself to be and what it does. Being and action no longer coincide. Then what I have made falls short of what I am; my deeds do not express my individuality. Work, which appeared to say so much, is only a limitation of what I am; it appears merely particular and contingent.

Once again, as before the reconciliation effected by the spiritual animal kingdom in the Phenomenology of Spirit, there is the mismatch between the individual and the world; once again does reality appear as abstract Other, as the inert and impenetrable in-itself.

The work lies before others; it is there for others to see and to experience. I do not recognise myself in what I have done; the work is the thing that lies beyond me, alien and obscure. What can I achieve? What can I do that would express what I am? Of course, for Hegel, there is a way of overcoming the diremption to which the spiritual animal kingdom leads – an attempt to work for the common good, rather than your own. But the movement of the dialectic is stalled for Blanchot’s writer, who is able to express himself by means of the work once a particular book is finished. The work itself seems to loom ahead of the book; the writer can never seize upon that which would give him substance. This is the writer’s sadness.

(Sadness? But why not joy, since the adventure of writing, perpetual inadequacy, is still open?)

Rejection

Why is Hegel’s account of spiritual animal kingdom so appropriate to the situation of the writer? After all, it seems to describe a situation familiar to anyone who attempts to create something without a blueprint.

Sinthome tells us how he recoils in horror when he is asked what is philosophy, or what his research is about. ‘To ask what someone’s research or philosophy is, is to ask them to simultaneously formulate a proposition and state the sense of that proposition. Yet I can say what I mean or mean what I say, but I cannot say what I mean and mean what I say.’

Wonderfully put: I only know what I’m working on once I’ve finished work; the preface to a book, making sense of the project as a whole, comes after the book is complete. I can only know the pro-ject as a re-ject, as Sinthome says; which means that it is forever impossible to know on what it is one is working.

This might remind us of Hegel, and the adventure of reading The Phenomenology of Spirit: the course of the dialectic is not given in advance; its onroll, totalising as it may appear does not emerge into clarity except as its particular phases come to an end. Can Hegel ever say the sense of what he says? Zizek’s Hegel (For They Know Not What They Do) perhaps cannot; to say the sense of what he says means the dialectic is kept perpetually open. This is what means to say with Sinthome that all philosophies are lived – that thinking is experiential and experimental, a projection into a future whose course is unknown.

Then philosophy, like writing (understood as writing obsessed with writing itself, its own ‘act’) discovers what it is as it proceeds. Philosophy, like writing – but how can the two be kept entirely apart? Perhaps because the former is obsessed with the condition of its possibility, the fact the work exceeds the book. But isn’t this the obsession, too, of the philosopher, who discovers the sense of her work only in retrospect?

For the Blanchotian writer it is language itself that is of concern. Language itself – the fact of communication, rather than what is communicated. A fact from which we cannot stand apart, since it grants the very possibility of communication. But for this reason, it can also become invisible, necessitating a kind of doubling up – an experience of communication as communication, such that it can be thought at all.

Perhaps the philosopher can only plunge into this experience by becoming a writer, or by allowing the question of writing to return in and as her work. That is, the exploration of communicativity must begin in a performative use of language. Use – or being used, for to engage with language is also to be engage by a natural language in its peculiarities and idioms.

But perhaps this engagement reaches more deeply still. For is it not also what might be called the materiality of language which fascinates the writer – its rhythms and sonorities, its grain? Perhaps every writer has something in him of the poet, for whom every word must also sound. But further still is not what sets itself back into this materiality – a kind of heaviness or density of language that is the writer’s concern? As though language were so emburdened it can say nothing at all. As though the writer were crushed, from the first, by what he can never say.

Until the words the writer is able to write point beyond themselves; they are symbolic, as Hegel said of the Sphinx and the Pyramids, and as such, riddles. Like the statues of Giacometti with their massive plinths, words are attached to something much heavier than they are. It is that they’re drawn perpetually across the event horizon that paralyses the movement of sense, idling every word, and joining every work to worklessness.

This is the burden of the writer who, like an astronaut close to a black hole, ages more slowly than the rest of us, or rather, is close to that first step out of infancy when a child struggles to speak a first word. But the writer, falling back to earth, emburdened with making sense of what flees from sense, is also older, having known, almost at once, every kind of defeat.

Admittedly, this failure seems forgotten as soon as the finished book is brought into the light. There is the temptation to revel in attention, to take pride in your own name as author. But isn’t the writer, as writer, always in relation to some kind of lack, some absence? The writer as writer has always been dismissed, if not the author he also is – that man who might believe that he is his own best reader, the source of the meanings of his books, which is only his expression. But the writer as writer grieves not in silence, but by reaching out to begin all over again, in the perpetual innocence of beginning.

Then the writer cannot discover what he has achieved even as what Sinthome call a re-ject, since he cannot present what he has done thetically, that is, as a theoretical position or argument. For the writer’s own work is like Hegel’s Sphinx which symbolises without meaning, even to those who assembled this and other obscure monuments in the desert. It is the riddle he cannot solve, but to which his life as writer is also bound.

Who is he? This question, too, is unanswerable, for he will never learn what he has achieved: never, that is understand the project that has unfolded through his life. Is it even his project? Did he initiate the course of writing? In the end, it is as though he were the completed circuit through which the current of writing could pass, seeking only to relate to itself, to be translated into a work that trembles with what it cannot say.

Author, Actor

It is in this way, I think, that we can understand the opening of ‘After the Fact’, which I reproduce again here:

Prior to the work, the work of art, the work of writing, the work of words, there is no artist – neither a writer nor a speaking subject – since it is the production that produces the producer, bringing to life or making him appear in the act of substantiating him […] But if the written work produces and substantiates the writer, once created it bears witness only to his dissolution, his disappearance, his defection and, to express it more brutally, his death, which itself can never be definitively verified: for it is a death that can never produce any verification.

Dissolution, disappearance and defection name the rejection of rejection in the relation of the author to his oeuvre. Death is another name for the failure of the finished book to correspond to the work that would communicate communication as he dreams. But one must go further, for dying is a name for the experience of this perpetual feeling of inadequacy.

Why does Blanchot introduce the idea of verifying and verification? Why this epistemological register? Perhaps because truth has been understood traditionally as a correspondence, an adequation between a statement and a state of affairs. In attempting to realise the incompletable work, indeed, being dependent on this work for his very self-understanding as a writer, the author is given to a kind of error, to the infinite movement of errancy.

Let us follow Blanchot’s argument a little further:

Thus, before the work, the writer does not yet exist; after the work, he is no longer there: which means that his existence is open to question – and we call him an ‘author’! It would be more correct to call him an ‘actor’, the ephemeral character who is born and dies each evening in order to make himself extravagantly seen, killed by the performance that makes him visible – that is, without anything of his own or hiding anything in some secret place.

The conclusion of this phase of Blanchot’s argument should now be clear: the author is never author enough; the writer has not attained the work, dying before he can lay claim to what he has completed.

Then the questions we might want to ask the writer belie the fact that the imposing books we admire fall short of the work he would attain. The gift that, we assume, separates him from us, is also a burden (but why not a joy? The infinite task of writing – one book after another, falling short, happily short, of realising the work). The talent, strengths and abilities it took to realise the books are only partially his; for all his ability to act, he is dependent upon a passivity in which he is voided of what allows him to write in his own name.

To be is to do, to exist is to act – but what does it mean when you can do nothing; when your work falls into worklessness? You have fallen out of being – but who is it that has fallen? This from an excellent collection edited by Leslie Hill:

Invited in 1975 to lend his support, in the form of unpublished or other material, to a special issue of the journal Gramma to be devoted to his work, Blanchot declined, courteously but firmly, explaining his reluctance to be seen to authorise that project, and thus limit its freedom and independence, with the following words: ‘My absence [i.e. from the issue],’ he wrote, ‘is a necessary step rather than any decision on my part. I would like nobody to be surprised nor disappointed by it. Publishing is always more difficult. Publishing on the basis of my name is impossible. 

Blanchot’s absence from the review parallels the absence he was so scrupulous to maintain, refusing to meet scholars, to attend the celebration of his work and avoiding being photographed or, except on one occasion, being interviewed.

Was it because he sought to save his work from being bound too closely to a man, an author, and not the writer as writer? Was it to allow the name ‘Blanchot’ as much blankness as possible, erasing the particularities of his life from the public record? Then the attempt to narrate Blanchot’s life must also pass through an account of that dying upon which his work depends. A biography, a thanatography – but what kind of account can be given?

Blanchot and the Other

The Truth of Suffering

Would suffering be greater in our time? A vain question. But we must not doubt that suffering weighs more heavily on us to the extent that our estrangement from religious consolations, the disappearance of the other world, and the breaking up of traditional social networks deprive the one who suffers of all distance and more clearly expose him to the truth of suffering – a truth that consists in withdrawing from him the space that suffering requires, the little time that would make his suffering possible.

And a little later, and also from The Infinite Conversation:

There is a suffering that has lost time altogether. It is the horror of a suffering without end, a suffering time can no longer redeem, that has escaped time and for which there is no longer recourse; it is irredeemable.

Suffering without relief, without redemption: in the absence of the old beliefs, suffering reveals itself in its truth. But a truth upon which the sufferer cannot seize, insofar as, without end, escaping time, the sufferer is disjoined from herself, being unable to collect herself into the first person and thereby let suffering be a discreet experience that might slip into the past. Suffering deprives the sufferer of self-presence and of the present; there is not even that ‘little time’ that would permit its integration into life, into the rhythm of a life.

But how then to think this experience? In the opening récit of The Infinite Conversation, one of the speakers mentions a ‘weary truth’, ‘the truth of weariness’, upon which neither speaker is able to seize. Truth, then, is not thought according to the model of adequation or correspondence. Or rather, correspondence is sent on an infinite detour, being forever able to reach its ostensible ‘object’.

It is not by chance that this récit is concerned with this experience. Read in terms of my earlier account of the récit, it may seem that the experience of weariness the interlocutors discuss, all the while being unable, as they acknowledge, to reach it, stands in for the experience of the writer of this fiction.

Isn’t the writer, for Blanchot fascinated by incapacity, by the erosion of the ‘I can’ as it is revealed in suffering, weariness and related moods? The Blanchotian writer begins with exactly this kind of mood. He begins, that is, where making a beginning is impossible without that ‘merciful surplus of strength’ that permits him, in his work, to bear witness to what cannot begin.

Perhaps one might even say that it is to the writer that one must return to indicate the ‘truth’ of suffering in a form that is adequate to it – not, that is, in the language of the concept, which allows one to grasp the specific in the general, but as the writer’s language lets the interminable and the incessant return within it: that murmuring which does not give itself term.

Infinite Inadequation

Then it is exactly the truth of suffering that is revealed in the récit, and can only be revealed there in its infinite inadequation. A truth that cannot be reached directly, but only indicated.

At the outset of Kierkegaard Fear and Trembling, we find the following epigraph from Hamann: ‘What Tarquinius Superbus said in the garden by means of the poppies, the son understood but the messenger did not’. Tarquinius, we learn from a translator’s note, did not trust the messenger sent to him by his son. So he sends a cryptic message back: slicing off the heads of the tallest flowers in his garden with his cane. By this, the son understands he must kill the leading men in the city. Then the son understands the significance of Tarquinius’s gesture because he understands the context that makes sense of it in the way the messenger does not.

Can we know, in an analogous way, what is being indicated by way of Blanchot’s récit? A first response would be to say we can’t be in the know with respect to the experience of weariness in question, since it would reveal its truth only in those circumstances Blanchot describes. To stand at one remove from the text as readers of this story is to stand too far away; only the weary know weariness, and even then to the extent that its truth escapes them.

A second, more sophisticated response would be to say weariness only stands in for the experience of writing with which the récit is obsessed. An experience that then doubles itself in the experience of reading as it likewise demands that we can never reach the ‘object’ that is being recounted in what we are reading. We might remember here Blanchot’s claim to the effect that the récit does not simply represent an event that may have happened, but is the happening of the event itself. To read is to let this event happen again, as it happened, in a different but analogous way, for its author (this is the account I gave here).

(Open parentheses. Sinthome writes, reflecting on Deleuze’s The Logic of Sense, ‘the literary critic might wish to hold that sense is already there in the text waiting to be unlocked. However, if sense is only in being made, then sense is only in engendering itself. The sense of a text is something that is only produced in reading the text, where both the reader and text are engendered as products of that interaction, or after-effects.’

And again, with great lucidity, moving to psychoanalysis: ‘we always want to treat the object of analysis as independent of our analysis of it and ourselves as independent of the object we engage with, not seeing the manner in which our engagement with that object produces it while it produces us.’ Then critical commentary produces the commentator as well as what is commented upon; reading makes us, and I suppose unmakes us, and we are ourselves at stake whenever we read or think about reading. Close parentheses.) 

But I wonder whether this second reading (which should be developed rather than gestured at) does not move too quickly, that the account of weariness is more than just a substitute for the real concern of the récit. Or rather, that this récit, and Blanchot’s récits more generally, are concerned not only with their own happening, but with other, similar events – that they are a way of exploring a range of moods and experiences in a form appropriate to them. The Blanchotian récit would also open a path of research, a way of thinking that is at one with a practice of writing that bears upon a truth specific to our time.

One might also remember that in his discussion of the work of Jean Paulhan, Blanchot allows that a récit need not be fictional in form – isn’t everything Paulhan has written a récit in its own way?, he asks. A question that we can then turn on Blanchot, wondering whether his oeuvre as a whole is not comprised of a series of récits, each of which, in a different way, gives onto an experience of infinite inadequation.

Perhaps, in this case, there is a kind of thinking exhibited in the composition of fiction, critical commentary, and even a certain kind of philosophy which takes the form of a practice of writing. Isn’t this what reveals itself in Blanchot’s fragmentary works, which let scraps of fiction lie alongside philosophical crumbs and other meditations?

Then a book like The Writing of the Disaster is also a kind of récit, or, perhaps, an assemblage of récits, each resonating with one another, turning in themselves but also all together like the parts of a mobile. And then the thirty-six volumes that might, one day, collect Blanchot’s oeuvre would be just such an assemblage, where matters is also that désoeuvrement, that worklessness that is another name for the experience of truth in its evasion.

Relation Without Relation

Casually, unrigorously, I want now to reflect upon one of the experiences upon which Blanchot focuses not really for any other reason than to lead myself to what deserves further reflection. Here, my focus is on those passages in The Writing of the Disaster where Blanchot reflects upon Levinas’s Otherwise Than Being. Speaking of his close friend in an interview, Levinas notes Blanchot’s ability to open ‘unexpected vistas’ upon philosophical ideas. I think one can do little with the twenty-five pages written in the margins of Otherwise Than Being unless Blanchot’s comments are understood in relation to other parts of his oeuvre.

If Blanchot, like Levinas, was always concerned with the question of the ontological or extra-ontological of the relation to the Other, it manifests itself mostly in his fictional work, that is, until the publication of Totality and Infinity and later, Otherwise Than Being provides Blanchot with the occasion to translate his own researches into a more philosophical idiom.

What, then, is the unexpected vista Blanchot opens on Otherwise Than Being in The Writing of the Disaster?

The unrelated (in the sense that the one {I} and the other cannot be as one, or come together at one and at the same time – cannot be contemporaries) is initially the other for me. Then it is I as other from myself. It is that in me which does not coincide with me – my eternal absence, that which no consciousness can grasp, which has neither effect nor efficacy and is passive time. It is the dying which, though unsharable, I have in common with all.

What is Blanchot describing? Not simply a relation, or an ordinary kind of relation, since that would imply some kind of homogeneity of terms, that would allow them to be related to one another. The I and the Other do not occupy the same order of time, writes Blanchot; and we know from elsewhere that the Other is always ‘higher’ than me, that whatever relates us to one another (if we can even speak of a relation) does so unilaterally, so that before we can consider relations of reciprocity, there is first of all a nonreciprocal opening to the Other.

But who is it who opens thus? Who is opened, exposed, such that a kind of responsibility is assumed for the Other that precedes and escapes that responsibility I have for myself? The ‘I’ is altered by this opening; the relation to the Other absolves its terms of any of the qualities by which we might assume we could pick them out. Who is the Other? Anyone at all; but also, as Other, no one – neither masculine nor feminine; neither tall not short.

(Another thought: what if it is rather by one particular quality – a laugh, a tone of voice, a melancholy downturn of the lips that the Other is revealed as Other? What if it is by a quality, determinate, there, that the indeterminacy of the Other is revealed? Could this be one way of understanding what Levinas calls the face?)

And who am I? Likewise anonymised; likewise evacuated from any quality that distinguishes from others. If I am assigned a responsibility in the relation in question, this happens upstream of any simple self-awareness I might have; it belongs to a past that is severed from the course of time – the past as a name for what returns by way of interruption. The relation in question transforms its terms. It reaches across an interruption in time and via a ‘height’ that alters space. To call it a ‘relation without relation’ with Blanchot and Levinas is to attempt to mark the way it suspends my ordinary relation to the world.

Significantly, both thinkers understand this relation as happening through language. For both, it is language that allows me to relate to myself and to the world; my self-relation is such that it is always meditating; my relation to the world is unthinkable without language as it contextualises and orders my experiences. Yet Levinas, as Blanchot picks up in The Writing of the Disaster, claims the Other is given to me immediately. An immediacy, as Blanchot comments, which must somehow be understood in the past tense (or rather in that peculiar, impossible tense that marks the temporality of what he calls the disaster): that slips back from the course of time.

The immediacy of the Other is not simply extra-linguistic, belonging to another order. Rather, it is way of expressing the interruption by which it occurs – even its impossibility, if this is understood not simply as the opposite of the power of the ‘I can’ and the field of possibility opened to it thereby, but as the way power and possibility and the ‘I can’ of the self collapse as they are reached by the Other. In this interruption, I am other from myself; I cannot coincide with that ‘eternal absence’ without efficacy or effect that delivers me into what Blanchot (and not Levinas) calls ‘dying’. A dying to the self I was – a becoming in which passivity, taking the place of the self, wanders eternally without return.

For Levinas, this experience is very ordinary, being the condition of our experience of the order and structure of the world. The relation (without relation) to the Other assigns us a responsibility, individuates me, making me irreplaceable with respect to the Other, just as an analogous relation has individuated all other normal human beings. This is what Blanchot refers to when he calls the I ‘other from myself’, ‘eternal absence’ is common to all; this experience is not sharable, since each time it occurs, it assigns to me a special, nonreplaceable responsibility to this Other at this time, but it is nevertheless common; it is an experience each of us has undergone.

(Tangent. But what proof can be offered that this experience happened? Why should we accept, at such an enormous theoretical cost, that it occurred at all? For Levinas will also say that the structure of our ordinary, mundane experience depends upon responsibility: that it is the encounter with the Other, singular, non-repeatable, that grants our world order and light. Without the Other, there is the perpetual danger of collapse – that the self is not strong enough, that it will succumb to the horrors of what Levinas calls participation in which subject and object merge into one another.

As such, the relation to the Other (experience par excellence, Levinas calls it in Totality and Infinity) is the very root of our experience. The structure of our experience in general, the a priori, can be understood only if we engage philosophically with the a posteriori encounter in its singularity. The relation to the Other, then, is always upstream of the order of proof. It can only be deduced (although this is not Levinas’s word) from its effects.)

(Second tangent. No intention to bring this account of Levinas, or Blanchot’s reading of Levinas to life here. To do so, I think, means much more than simply explicating his thought in its own terms. Sinthome writes with great candour of his frustration (here I am understanding it in my own way) of those who are theoretically committed to x or y without living that same commitment, without their lives being risked by their ‘work’.

This is what being a psychoanalyst means for Sinthome. Work without quotation marks: a suffering person to be diagnosed and, if not ‘cured’, then led to that point at which life is once again possible. Then what is the equivalent with respect to my brief and cursory reading? Certainly not to rest with a reading of some passages from The Writing of the Disaster. Isn’t it a question, instead, of reaching through the recits, searching for the way in which Blanchot brought himself into proximity with Levinas’s reflections? A different kind of work, it is true. To read, but without risk. But I think it is necessary to go further still. To write outside a book or a paper. To write such that writing sets itself back into the question of its own production.

In my foolishness, I sometimes wonder whether Theory also embodies something like this risk in a way that philosophy resists since its ostensible ‘object’ – that which the theoretical insights of X and Y are supposed to shed light – is, or should be the measure of those insights. But then it is more complex than this, because X and Y might constitute that ‘object’ differently, it being produced by the theoretical approach that might illuminate it.

Then perhaps it falls to philosophy to lay out the notion of ‘production’ that is at issue here, taking up a place at the head of all theoretical waters. But perhaps theory might respond that this position is itself productive, all too productive, and philosophy must plunge into those waters themselves, spreading out into a million different rivers. Must philosophy risk losing its name to keep the name philosophy?)

For Blanchot, the similarity of the relation to the Other with that of the writer to writing and to those who are afflicted, or suffer should be clear. Levinas writes of the trauma of the relation to the Other – I am exposed all the way to my viscera. My selfhood, Blanchot says is ‘gangrened and eaten away, altogether alienated’. The approach of the Other is ‘death itself’; it turns the self over to dying, to the anonymity of the body. Here, we find another kind of disaster. Alongside the suffering passivity (beyond passivity) of literary creation and of suffering, there is the passivity of the self with respect to the relation to the Other.

(And now remember again what Sinthome notes. We are produced, authored, by the problematic field of the encounter. Produced as, perhaps, Marx would describe. Only for Blanchot production, here, is thought of as worklessness rather than work. A worklessness that engages us and turns us aside to the infinite becoming of dying in the encounter with the Other.

A question that points beyond Blanchot, perhaps indicating his limit: doesn’t the field of production encompass all things? Isn’t the world – the field of encounters – already in worklessness? Then what is named by the disaster is everywhere, and at every level, from subatomic particles to the movement of planets.)

The Truth of the Event

Tired conclusion. Blanchot lays fragment alongside fragment in The Writing of the Disaster, insinuating the belonging together of several experiences, rather than attempts to bring them together into a theoretical synthesis. And each time it is a matter of writing with the aim of conveying a certain truth – even if it is one we can never reach. Each time, with each term – thinking, writing, the relation to the Other – the order of experience (and experience is another of these words) is set apart from its interruption. Each time, it is a matter of preserving the play of ‘neither one nor the other’ – the ne uter of the neuter as it names the relation between them (and relation is yet another of these words).

This is why paradoxical formulations such as relation without relation are necessary – the ‘without’ here is a way of naming what is extraordinary about the relation in question; of course, it is the same with other words I have glanced upon in discussion. Friendship without friendship, egotism without egotism, thinking without thinking … Likewise, this is why Blanchot will use phrases that he seems almost immediately to withdraw: disclosure (that does not disclose), the impossible community or occasionally capitalise words (‘the Opening of community). And it is why he can appear inconsistent, denying that friendship is linked to the gift on one page, and then placing Bataille alongside Levinas and Heidegger as a thinker of the ‘gift of interiority’.

How to name the event? But even the word event cannot name what it supposed to name. For doesn’t it carry with it a suggestion of the punctual, the delimitable …? Then there can only a play of substitutes, of non-synonymous proxies which begin to blur into one another, bearing a meaning – fixed, delimitable – only to let this meaning be swept away in the ‘experience’ to which Blanchot would attend.

It is in these terms, I think, that one must respond to the question, what is being indicated by way of Blanchot’s récit?

Damp Years, Jandek Years

My life is very simple now. Damp, and Jandek, just them. Damp on the one hand – omnipresent, amniotic, all around me, and then Jandek on the other. Most mornings, I rise very early to try to write. Early, and I switch the heroic fan heater on in the kitchen to be rid of the night’s damp, penetrating in from outside and then condensing on the walls that have been stripped bare for the final reckoning.

I thought it was simply the damp and I, and the fan heater. The heater on the side of righteousness, the negentropic device that in its small way stopped this part of the universe from crumbling. I think of those everymen in Philip K. Dick novels – the tyre regroovers, the makers of toys from old garbage. They’re like the little heater, and I’m Joe Chip with his can of Ubik.

But just as Linda Ronstadt became, in Dick’s tangled mythology in the 70s, the voice of God or something like it, Jandek arches over me, halo-like. Jandek and the voice of Jandek, and his guitar. Back home from work, and the fan heater goes on again, eating up electricity but necessary. The flat must not decay. Must not resolve like the bricks on the kitchen wall outside, into pinkish paste. And Jandek watches over my efforts and blesses them.

These are my Damp Years, but also my Jandek Years, I know that now. I dream of writing 50 posts to celebrate Jandek’s nearly 50 albums. I may clear some time in the summer for that. Imagine: 50 posts! and on Jandek! In a small way, I will have justified my life. In a small way, something worthwhile will have happened.

I talk about nothing but Jandek, and damp, and think of nothing but the damp -and Jandek. I like to wake up very early, and then work, and then home and a general vague soupy tiredness in the wet jungle heat of the flat. ‘Keep it warm’ said the surveyor. Warm – it is hot here. Tropical. And in my throat, the spores. Deep there, in the throat, changing my voice, changing me: black spores.

Inside, my body is all black. Turn it out to the light and it will be black still, and absorb light. Black – and with damp, the deepest damp. Damp like sin, absolute sin. The mark of Cain, but across every inside surface. I am a cursed man. A man hollowed out. In the crevices, the corners – damp. There were the moisture meets cold plaster – damp. And inside me, in the darkness, along the corridors of my lungs and in the black cavern of my heart, spreading: damp, only damp.

But there is Jandek. The Humility of Pain – what a title! – that’s the one. The track, The Humility of Pain, the first one I heard from Jandek For Dummies. And because of the title. Because it was called The Humility of Pain. That title was absolute. I thought: it is very simple, and I’m not sure what it means. The Humility of Pain, I thought: he’s learnt a great deal, Jandek. Learnt it and over and over until it became simple for him.

Simplicity: already, in the title. The first song of the album, and the whole album. The title sheltering the whole album. Sheltering it, a black umbrella. A sheltering simplicity. Everything is here, says the title. Everything I’ve learnt is here, complete. A whole life’s lessons, and everything burning away, dark. A simple smouldering pile of darkness with bits of bone sticking out. A body burnt and a few bits of bone: that’s the album.

Not that everything is burned away – not a kind of transmigration into the air, a sacrifice that leaves nothing to burn. No: still burning, what remains of a life. Life but as it smoulders, having burnt for thirty years.

And Jandek watches over me, but blindly. No one sees. The eye is smouldering, with the rest of the remains. And now it is as though the damp changes polarity. As though darkness has turned a corner in darkness, and night is lost within itself. A wandering along the edge of everyhing. A peat fire along the ridge. Black, unspectacular smoke. Black and burning, patient, not yet completely reduced. Still the remains, smouldering.

Even the first album smoulders like a fire almost out. When did Jandek ever burn? How young was he? He spoke of seven novels burnt. Seven novels put to fire when the publisher’s rejected them. He works as a machinist, he tells a musician in his first interview in 1985. He’s a white collar worker, we are told by the journalist who tracked him down in the 90s.

7 novels burnt, that was the start. All the fire was in them, and the fire burnt away. Fire died in fire. And then the first album, a vision already complete. In 1978, the first album, after 7 albums. But this time, Jandek (who had not yet taken that name) was going to do it his way. No publishers, no outsiders. He would pay for the manufacture of his own records. He lived simply; no friends – or at least that’s what he wrote to a fan in 1980. A simple life in the house pictured on his albums. Curtains drawn.

Jandek – but that’s not his own name, but a name assumed – in his house, sitting on a chair. Hours empty but for music. Days pass; months; Jandek has his mind on music. He will organise his life around it. Everything must be simplified – simple. Only music. Voice, guitar. Sometimes other instruments, collaborations, but always the return to voice, to guitar. From which everything begins. From which everything can begin.

In the house, by the chair and an unused drumkit, a Fender acoustic, a simple amp, a microphone, a four track. Jandek getting up and dressing for work and going out to work and then back to the house and to the room where everything might begin. There are other rooms, all simply furnished. Echoey rooms, and in one a desk with a fold out table and a notebook, and pens, and pencils.

Jot down notes. Ready, open on the table: the white page of the notebook, with pencils close by. Be ready to write. Be in this room to write, echoey, white-walled and the window, as anonymous as any other, with curtains drawn against the light. And other rooms, where food can be eaten. A dining table. A kitchen.

Jandek falls beneath his name. He is never quite his name, which never names him. He is the other one who is not-yet Jandek. It is Jandek that is important, not him. He is Sterling Smith (perhaps). And Jandek – is elsewhere, and all around him, and nowhere. He is the representative from Corwood Industries who arranges gigs for Jandek, and the pressing of his CDs. He’s not yet Jandek; he does not coincide with him. Not yet him, and the house is where he wonders as he waits for him.

The phone unplugged. No one’s to disturb him. And he won’t have a computer in the house. Keep it simple. Wander from room to room. Days pass, months – and gradually strength comes to him. Strength in jags and spurts and then long bouts of weakness. And then, more steadily, strength comes and for a few days, Jandek comes very close to him.

He sings. It is not his voice. He plays – but whose hands are these? The four track running. At night, Sterling Smith goes to bed excited but also calm. He knows he must preserve his strength, tend to it. Even his strength is weak, he is usually weakness itself. To bed early, and to rise early. And then, after coffee, to the room where the instruments are. And then to play and refind the mood. Play, tune his guitar and let himself be tuned and attuned.

Sometimes, for long periods, he records nothing. He plays instead – his new fretless bass, his old piano, in another room. Play, just play. He asks for little – just to play. One day gives unto another. Days breaking into one another with the steadiness of his labour. One day, another – and each day the river-path that lets the music come. A mood. The pressure of a mood, day after day. Gathering, coming to itself. Until it’s time again for the music room, for a recording.

He rarely looks at his notes. The lyrics work themselves inside him. Jandek’s voice asks for him. His hands. And when he sings, it is Jandek who is close to him. Closer to him than he is. Jandek suffers. Jandek is suffering. And he suffers Jandek. He suffers himself as Jandek.

In another room, piles of Corwood CDs. Piles of his own CDs, ready to be shipped out. Letters and orders from fans all over the world: he keeps them. They help him keep his strength, and build and ark around his strength. For it is his strength that must be nutured. Rest. Eat properly. Exercise. Strength, the strength to begin is all.

But his strength is weak. It comes to him, it passes. Strength comes in gales and squalls, but then departs. And he must watch over it quietly, and without hope. Must not press himself. No stress. Wait, until waiting no longer takes an object. Intransitive waiting. Impersonal attention.

At night, sometimes he wakes and goes across the landing to the bathroom. Alone at night, he’s unsure who he is. And knows he must aim his sleep at the morning. That sleep is his ship of death that is aimed at the morning. Keep your strength: he doesn’t need to tell himself, not anymore. He is his own ark, his protector, curtains drawn.

In the evening, he sometimes drives out to meet his colleagues. Sometimes, out to see a film. Escaping his solitude only to return to it. Solitude he releases only to know the sweetness of its return. For it returns as sweetly as the finest summer mist on your skin. Returns like warn night rain in summer, sweetly. The house waits; the house is waiting. And inside him, too, Jandek waits. And soon another album will join those in the long list of albums from Corwood Industries. Soon, another title alongside those in that long, typed column.

Sometimes, there are trips. Sometimes, Jandek drives out, away; sometimes a plane to Europe. The house waits for him. The absence pulses. The instruments stand there – the guitar, on its stand. The drum kit, rarely used, dusty. Away, Jandek dreams of the sound of his amp when it’s switched on. The hum before music. The hum that says: I’m ready.

In foreign cities, Jandek drinks coffee and pulls out his notebook and writes a few lines. Sometimes he takes photographs for his album covers. Without planning, without forethought, the chance of a shot will surprise him; he thinks: there it is. He barely thinks about it. Everything is automatic for him now. 30 years, 50 albums: he knows what is required. Or it knows in him, in his habits, in the ethos into which his life has settled.

Sometimes Jandek feels simple, very simple. Not a thought in his head, driving along with the radio on. That’s why he likes, sometimes, to drive, to travel. To clear his head; to drift. As though the amp of his life were turned on, ready. Sometimes he feels he’s falling, but along the road, out. Falling as he drives out in his car, across the earth. And sometimes he feels he’s thrown out like dice, bouncing out towards the horizon.

Who is he? What chance is his? He passes among other people. He closes his eyes, opens them. They are everywhere, thickly around him, and he is anonymous. Who is he? Anyone at all; everyone, all people. And perfectly separate from everyone. He feels light. He feels he lives on the surface of the world. The light flashes across car windscreens in the carpark. In a white shirt and jacket, he feels lightly alive in the world, first among men, and last.

But who is he? Whose chance is he? Did Jandek throw the dice? Did he?

The Dew Point

I’m allowed to bleach the kitchen walls at last, and the washing machine, and cupboards scattered around the flat; the surveyor who first diagnosed the damp came and saw and wrote things down, and said: ‘it’s condensation that’s causing it.’ – ‘Condensation’, I said, ‘behind all this?’ The kitchen all around us, brown walled with damp. ‘People underestimate condensation’, he said. ‘In a flat like this, double glazed, there’s nowhere for water to escape.’

I look around. No, there’s no escape, no extractor fans. How could there be, in a room this size, six feet by six. Later, I went out to look at the kitchen wall, outside, where the rendering hasn’t reached. Naked brick, exposed; I took a stick of bamboo and idly scraped out stuff between the bricks. And then – it was the brick itself that started to come off. The brick itself, rotting; I touched it. Wet – and runny. Brick that came off on my nails. Brick eroding and coming off to the touch.

I’d heard about this. The damp eats the brick out, said one expert. It devours brick from within. And now, beneath the stairs, the discovery of an eroding wall, a wall turning to paste … There are many causes of damp, I know that now. An infinite number of causes. Condensation within, and a wall that’s becoming paste. A wall of paste and water within as it reaches the dew point on a colder surface.

And isn’t that a beautiful expression, the dew point? The washing machine is clean and white, so too with the microwave and the cupboards. And the walls of the kitchen, seven feet high, but also as high as the stars are wet with bleach and water. Take a breath. Breathe. But the spores are already there. Spores in your lungs, spores in your heart. An adult human gives off moisture to the air – two litres a day. But how much sporey damp do I breathe out?

‘That wall behind you’s looking distinctly wet …’, said Blah-Feme in the bar the other night. ‘Damp follows you like a dog’, W. said that.

The dew point – where the wall comes forward to offer itself to the touch of condensation. When condensation spreads and gives itself across the wall. And from the other side? Penetrating damp, find its way through pasty brick and the gaps between bricks. Penetrating, coming through, a slow, ceaseless tsunami, brown wave after wave.

On two fronts, then, the damp. And there was a third front, too, the worst: the leak from upstairs, so bad that they thought the washing machine from upstairs might come through the ceiling. The leak, for years. Wet brick, saturated brick. And then it was fixed, at last, in the end. And was there a fourth front, from the concrete, from the river that used to run from the burst pipe along the wall?

Along the wall, the damp is moving. Dark armies of damp, moving towards the fresh, dry plaster of the living room. When will it breach the door frame and come through? When to meet with the damp that’s already coming from the other room?

I’m stranded in space between the condensating damp. Stranded, as between two high walls of the sea, parted as Moses parted them. On a strip as wide as this room, the living room, still dry, still an island in a sea of damp. And on two sides of the island, the waves are lapping. As soon they lap over this island too, and it will have sunk, beneath the ocean’s smooth surface.

Or is it the two lips of a mouth that have opened, and I am the word it is trying to say? I think I’m looking for it here, that word. I think it’s speaking through me, a word of damp from within, penetrating out, and condensing outside, along the white page of the blog.

50 Albums

Jandek! 50 albums (nearly), one or two a year, packaged similarly, a blurry picture on the front, the same typescript on the back saying very little: a list of the songs, a list of the players. The day before yesterday, drinking Cava and ready to do nothing else but listen, as Bill Callahan recommends – just to sit and to listen in a room full of mouldy furniture from the kitchen – I heard Jandek for the first time.

What did I hear? Chair Beside A Window and then – what a title – The Humility of Pain. And nearly straightaway, and all at once I fell in love with Jandek, with the surface of his LPs, with their minimal information, and with the way he kept himself hidden all these years, recording, releasing records at his own expense, and then sending them to whomever wanted them for a minimal fee.

I have always loved those who resist the great machines of publicity, which call out to a public that is only a dream of the marketer. Publicity – the author interview, the special in the Sunday supplement, all that. But interviews, too can be marvellous. How marvellously witty Morrissey was in the 1980s! And how discrete! How well Mark E. Smith resisted any kind of appropriation, even to the point of obnoxiousness!

And later, I marvelled at Pynchon’s disappearance, and then Blanchot’s – even more complete, and at one with his work. To disappear, to become anonymous, and, like Jandek, to work anonymously and without fuss. Under a pseudonym – a false name? No: under a heteronym, the other of all names, the name as the other: how beautiful.

And the music arrives with barely a context. And the music! A guitar tuned to make new sounds. A guitar that drones the new sounds – drones along a mode (is it a mode?) and in songs all in a row. One song – then another – themed (I think) into a long player. Songs in a row, focused, discovering. Attuned, but to what? Magnetised, but by what? A kind of imperative, that bears the music itself, but that sets itself back from it. That says: this must be; one song must follow another, and whole albums must follow one another: this is how it must be.

What a grasp of dynamics, I said to myself last night, barely knowing what that word meant, and attack, barely know the meaning of that word either! What a grasp of rhythm, as if it could be distinguished from arrhythmia in his playing, his singing! It is best of all when he plays alone. Guitar and vocal. A vocal in tune in a new way. Which rises and then falls to drone. And then leaps up again.

I admit that at the moment, I don’t like his use of blues forms, when it occurs. I want a non-blues like dynamic, a non-blues moving forward, if only because the greats of the blues are peerless and far from us like stars. Peerless, in peerless, sparkling brilliance, inimitable. Just as Jandek (produced Jan, as in January, and Dek) is peerless when his guitar is jagged.

Jandek has a day job, and I like that too. He works – when an interviewer tracked him down to his house, he was dressed for work, and then took her to a bar where his fellow workers were. He didn’t admit to being Jandek. Or Jandek was to be spoken of in the third person – this is marvellous. He always presents himself, the thirty-something man the interviewer thought she’d met, as a representative of Corwood Industries. A representative of the company which distributes Jandek products. And he speaks of Jandek as ‘they’, in the plural, as if they were a whole band.

Younger, Jandek assented to another interview. It’s on Youtube, along with some footage from his first ever live performance in Glasgow, in 2004. His first performance – and unbilled. 50 albums, give or take. One after another, and without fuss. One, then another, and until recently, no gigs. He plays gigs now. Dressed in black with a hat at Glasgow, he wouldn’t stay in a hotel with the other artists, wouldn’t eat with them. He appeared and disappeared, playing with a band he picked up for British gigs.

The discovery of a fan community on a marvellous website. Such a clean website, so perfect. Whose webmaster quotes Bela Tarr at the bottom of each email, and one of my favourite quotes: ‘… ontological shit.’ A community of fans, patient through all the years. Later, I’ll go through their posts, leading up to the moment when Jandek started playing gigs. What a surprise that must have been! How they’d earned it, the fans! And I reading these emails as a newcomer, having heard Jandek for the first time only the day before yesterday! A newcomer, completely fresh!

Pain, though, as I realise the cover of the second Palace Brothers album is virtually a Jandek pastiche. Curtains, blurry picture. Excitement as I understood what the young Smog might have found in Jandek – what an inspiration! I wish I’d had him before me when I was young, star-like, peerless!

Ah, this post is awkward and rambling … I’ve written without care, one sentence lurching enthusiastically from another. One, then another, and listening to The Humilty of Pain – what a title! Listening to the fan heater go in the kitchen, and with the rich smell of mould in my nostrils! Listening this early morning in the middle of my life, the sky blue above the houses opposite, the concrete yard still wet, still soaked!

And Jandek played in my city for his first gig under his own name. My city – here! And I ever knew he was playing; I’d heard. We were sat up at the pub looking down the Tyne, looking down at the Sage, but neither of us had heard Jandek, not then. But he played in my city – half an hour from this flat. Here! It’s a sign, I tell myself. And of what did he sing at this gig? I’ve ordered the DVD. I’ve read the lyrics. He’s – how old – 50? At 50, and to sing those lyrics! At 50, and to sing in that way, and of those things!

Morning in my idiocy and the yard before me, concrete. Morning and the mould-spores in the air, drifting. The washing machine black with mould beside me. The rusting microwave, the cupboard with a mouldy back. And damp-sticky pots and pans. And my morning dressing gown, torn and dirty. And a pile of clothes, dirty because there’s nothing to wash them in. And a pile of sour oranges, and three remote controls, a tube of Calendula. L’Attente, l’oubli to take notes from. A TV Guide.

But I have to look to see these things. To look – to smell, to take the mouldy air deep into my lungs. Because I am listening, and all of me is listening. All I am is listening, and writing jaggedly of listening, at the edge. What idiocy, this listening! How idiotically I listen, and write of listening! Jandek is howling a bit now. Howling a bit and droning a bit and the guitar is droning a bit under that. ‘We’re not talking never’: but those words stretched, stretched. Those words festooned across what? ‘I want to look in …’ And the guitar going, droning. And now the song’s stopped. And another song started, passing through the same magnetic field. The Same, the Same: Jandek knows you should only sing of the Same …

Jandek versus the mould, I tell myself. Jandek versus the damp, it’s Gnostic. Jandek on the side of dryness, of clean air, and the damp on the other side, evil.

For a time, Nancy sings on the records. For a time, and then she is gone. For a time, drum backing – Moe Tucker style bashing, untrained, imperative. And three a capella albums for which I will send off. A capella! Jandek! A voice and nothing more. The voice with its naked non-rhythm and attack and non-attack. The voice, droning, going up and down like a theremin. Attuned to what? Tuned to what alien radio station? Channeling what cosmic storm?

Jandek is a satellite. Jandek broadcasts from the moon. Jandek versus damp and mould. Jandek who has lived and died 50 times. In the beginning was Jandek and at the end, too. Jandek is discovering things, over 50 albums. Jandek is rarefied. Jandek studied philosophy. Jandek worked as a machinist. There is no end or no beginning to Jandek. There’s a kind of progress. A kind of rarefaction.

Who is Jandek becoming? Other, and the other of others. Jandek is going Outside, and to the Outside Inside. Jandek knows that to unfold the soul is to unfold stars and darkness. The cosmos inside, where Barry Malzberg’s astronauts go mad. Inner space, where Ballard’s disasters have hollowed out the sun.

Damp and the Yard

‘Keep it warm’, said an expert on the kitchen damp. ‘And the damp in the bedroom?’ – ‘Keep that warm, too.’ So where do I point my heroic little fan heater? It does a shift in the kitchen, and then a shift in the bedroom. I carry it from one room the other, over the bits of kitchen furniture that are scattered everywhere.

In the living room, the washing machine, covered in black mildew. Then a cupboard, the back of which is greeny-black with damp. I have to keep everything dirty, the expert tells me, to show the original surveyor who approved the damp course, tomorrow. ‘Keep it mouldy. Then you can show him.’

But the whole flat is now full of mould spores. The warm air is soupy; it’s jungle hot, and damp, and smells of rot and spores. The oven, new in September, is stranded in the bathroom. The hallway’s full of mouldy bits of wood, and another sporey cupboard is pressed there up against the radiator. At night, going to the bathroom, I have to step over damp wood and pass between damp cupboards.

Sometimes the smell is overwhelming. ‘I feel faint’, I told W. on the phone. He’s getting ready for a visit, he says. I brace him. ‘It’s pretty bad up here,’ remembering his last visit, he did nothing but whine, and then sat up drinking all night, telling me what was wrong with my life at great length, holding court on the sofa while I sat on the floor.

How long will it be like this? Weeks. The Loss Adjuster no longer wants to pay out. The company she appointed have given up, having dismantled the kitchen. ‘Where does this leave me?’ At the very least, I will need another £500 worth of rendering, and perhaps I’ll have to repoint the wall next door, too. There’s something wrong, very wrong, we all know it. The Loss Adjuster knows and so does the man from the building maintenance company. Even the workman knows. ‘Have you ever seen anything like this?’, I ask him. ‘Never. This is the worst I’ve seen.’

Outside, as always the concrete is wet. The concrete stairs leading upstairs are wet, and the storage space beneath the stairs is the same. ‘Look at the floor in there’, says another expert on damp I’ve called out. ‘Soaking. It shouldn’t be, mind.’ And I look. It is soaking. It’s completely soaked. ‘You’ll have to clear it out and let it air’, he says of the storage space. Clear it out; very well. Open it to the air. And then what? Water’s seeping into the concrete. Water in concrete, the whole yard. Seeping down, and the concrete saturated. Down, but there’s nowhere for the water to go. And the whole surface of the yard is like a wall in my kitchen, only lying down. Damp lying down. Damp lying on concrete, and looking upward to the sky.

Inside, I study the kitchen walls, watching for where damp comes and goes. I take the fan heater in there, pointing it at this or that part of the wall. It will dry after an hour or so. Dry, but then – another hour, or one more – pinpricks of moisture appear on the whitened plaster. It’s returning. It’s coming back, the damp. And then pinprick joins to pinprick, and soon the whole wall’s the same sweat-sheened clammy brow it was before the drying.

But still I watch. Still, nightly, I wield the heater. Is it drying out? Has it begun to dry out?, I ask myself, like a madman. Or is it a mirage, a mirage of damp? Have the spores got to me? Has the mould coated every passageway of my lungs and sent me mad? True, I have a new and persistent cough. I cough all the time, and today I thought I’d lose my voice. One day I’ll wake up mute in this flat of damp. Mute in the damp, spore-filled, choking. And one day, as I lie my body on the walls, I’ll disappear into them, damp returning to damp.

Blanchot and the Récit

Nothing Must be Illustrative

What lets itself be discovered by way of Blanchot’s fiction? The setting of his cits is mundane, the prose is calm – but the mundane is allowed to double itself, and the prose becomes thick and strange. Sometimes in his fiction an ordinary action will suddenly detach itself from linear continuity and turn upon itself, as if it had broken time into a separate eddy. Such breaks involve a sudden profusion of moods – affliction gives way to lightness, lightness to anguish, where each time it is the mood that seems to bear the protagonist instead of the other way around.

Sudden shifts in the relationship between characters occur, as though (Blanchot’s metaphor) the relative levels of water had been changed, as in a lock. And there are moments when the prose leaps into a strange abstraction: words like fascination, image, return, are used as a telegraphic shorthand, ordinary words that have been made to sound strangely, substituting for an experience which has no name, but that is like the double of any and all words, nonsense rumbling in sense.

‘It may be that all these words are a curtain behind which what happened will never stop happening’: the narrator of Death Sentence hints that what is important is not what is told, but something else, as if the events of the book come to stand in for another event, as though they sacrificed themselves to a greater demand. In a sense, the events of the narrative are not what matters at all – or rather, what matters does so by way of them.

In his biography of Kafka, Stach notes that his subject ‘demanded much more from his texts than formal unity; he sought a seamless linking of all motifs, images and concepts’; with ‘The Judgement’, Kafka’s stories ‘leave no narrative residues or blind alleys. Not one detail of Kafka’s descriptions, whether the colour of a piece of clothing, a gesture, or simply the time of day, is merely illustrative. Everything carries meaning, refers to something and recurs.’

With Blanchot, what recurs does so by way of the narrative details – ‘it is made of events, details, gestures’ and nothing else, and as such are ‘particularities, worthless moments, dust of words’; but then, too, surpassing these details, but being no more than these details as they are taken together, a kind of ’emptiness’ appears, a ‘lacunar immensity’ or ‘infinite distance’, such that the subject of the story is the lack of its story; ‘it tries to realise in it this lack that always infinitely surpasses it’.

What Cannot Be Told

The Blanchotian cit bears upon this lack, figuring its inadequacy to itself in its own recounting. Let us follow the opening lines of his cit, The One Who Was Standing Apart From Me to see how this works.

The cit begins: ‘I sought, this time to approach him’: as though it were only now the narrator wants to confront the one who allows him to write. Now is the time for the encounter. But how can it be brought about? Can it be forced? The next lines:

I mean I tried to make him understand that, although I was there, still I couldn’t go any farther, and that I, in turn, had exhausted my resources. The truth was that for a long time now I had felt I was at the end of my strength.

"But you’re not’, he pointed out.

At the end of my strength: to have run out of ability, or to have known the ability to be able the ability to be, fail you. But this is bad faith. To seek to approach him already betrays this inability; you are capable of something; you have a plan; clearly you haven’t yet exhausted your resources. And isn’t the fact that you’re writing these lines testament to precisely the surplus of your strength over your exhaustion? But who is the he, the ‘il‘ that answers back? With whom is the narrator conversing throughout this cit?

‘I would like to be.’ A manner of speaking which he avoidied taking seriously; at least, he didn’t take it with the seriousness that I wanted to be put into it. It probably seem to him to deserve more than a wish.

Whoever it is, he seems to have been granted a whole personality, an ability to think, to converse: what mystery! And the whole cit consists of their exchanges, and the long passages in which the narrator reflects on the situation in which he finds himself.

The other with whom the narrator converses is a personification of the condition of possibility of narrative. He is no one apart from the narrator, being only the one who endures in his place when he is claimed by the fascination with which writing is bound up, for Blanchot.

If he is its condition of possibility, he is also narrative’s condition of impossibility – he stands outside what can be narrated, set back from it, soliciting the movement of narration, but at the same time stepping out of its way, until the narrator, in this case, says firmly to himself, ‘I sought, this time to approach him.’ Him, il: in the case, the condition, the uncondition of narrative, that which gives and withholds the possibility of telling.

In the case of this cit, the ‘il’ is personified; the refusal of the event to give itself to narration is given a part in the narration. And yet it is made by the narrator, and by Blanchot, to appear in its refusal.

Writing in his diary, Kafka expresses surprise that writing is possible at all.

I have never understood how it is possible for almost anyone who writes to objectify his sufferings in the very midst of suffering them; thus I, for example, in the midst of my unhappiness – my head, say, still on fire with unhappiness – sit down and write to someone: I am unhappy. Yes, I can even go beyond that and with the various flourishes I might have talent for, all of which seem to have nothing to do with my unhappiness, ring simple, or contrapuntal or a whole orchestration of changes on my theme. And it is not a lie, and it does not still my pain, it is simply a merciful surplus of strength at a moment when suffering has raked me to the bottom of my being and plainly exhausted all my strength. But then what kind of strength is it?

What, in the midst of unhappiness, allows one to write ‘I am unhappy’? A peculiar strength – a merciful one, in which I am permitted strength enough to report my unhappiness. But what does it mean to invoke mercy here? Does the capacity to write mean my unhappiness is any less complete? That I am less unhappy than I thought?

A surplus of strength: at least, now I can ring changes on my suffering, at least, using my talent, I can begin to write. But does it alter my basic situation? Does it offer therapy or cure? Writing allows me to take distance from my suffering – but it is the same distance which causes me to lose my suffering anew.

Then there is something left behind as soon as the narrative is begun. Suffering has lifted itself into an ideal suffering; as soon as one writes, or ‘I had exhausted my resources’, this belies exhaustion, but it is also, by inscribing the word ‘I couldn’t go any farther’ on the page shows how language lifts itself from the condition of its author. Something has been gained: the capacity, the ‘merciful strength’ to write. But something has been lost by that same writing – that mood, that attunement that allowed the possibility of writing.

Commenting on these lines from Kafka, Blanchot writes:

The more luck I have, that is to say, the more gifted I am in making my unhappiness felt by description, embellishments, and images, the more the bad luck this misfortune reports is respected. It is as if the possibility that my writing represents essentially exists to express its own impossibility – the impossibility of writing that constitutes my sadness. Not only can it not be put in parentheses, or accommodate it without destroying it or being destroyed by it, but it really is possible only because of its impossibility.

Strange that the task of writing loses what makes it possible and which drew a weary man to write, I have exhausted my strength. ‘But you haven’t’, says the fact of writing on the page. The narrator loses the particular concreteness of his exhaustion as he begins to write. He gains literature, which is also to say, the impossibility of ever returning to his suffering in writing. But what has he gained?

Ordinary speech has, at its heart, the ideal of a pure communication, which would transform ‘the heaviness of things’, in Blanchot’s words, to ‘the agility of signs’, the ‘materiality of things’ to ‘the movement of their signification’; they are nothing in themselves: abstract tokens to be used in exchange. The sentence in the story has another function: it does not seek to become the sign of an absent being, but to present that being to us in language. It is a question of allowing language to ‘revive a world of concrete things’. It is not, moreover, a question of revealing the concreteness of this or that thing, but a world of things.

‘In the novel, the act of reading is not changed, but the attitude of the one who reads it makes it different’, Blanchot writes. The value of words is no longer that of labels attached to particular meanings. Let’s say I hear the phrase ‘The head clerk himself called’; I am able to conjure up a world in which this sentence has meaning: I know the head clerk himself, the office in which he or she worked, and so on. The sentence is unobtrusive; I know what it means. When I read the sentence ‘The head clerk himself called’ in a literary work, the situation is different: it no longer belongs to a world with which I am familiar; the only access to the world of the story I am reading is through the words of that story.

Literary works characteristically strive for verisimilitude by elaborately constructing a world. In the case of Blanchot’s cits, however, we are left with something more stark: a sheen of words which present themselves as a vehicle of disclosure, of the opening of the world. A drama is happening at the surface of the text even before we are reassured by the creation of a fictional world.

What is the experience of reading this cit – if we do read it, rather than cast it aside in frustration? We no longer have any distance with respect to the text; the reader is no longer a spectator, since there is no secure place with respect to the narrative from which to grasp its unity, but is, so to speak, enfolded in the very unfolding of a narration. But nor do we feel the reassuring presence of an author who is in charge of the narrative.

This is the uncanny experience of reading Blanchot; there is no point of fixity to which one can anchor oneself. The cit opens as a void or hollow. The events the novel narrates stand out against a kind of nothingness. The reader is more distant from Blanchot’s narrative than she might be with respect to a more traditional novelist since she is unable to interpose a context for the events as they occur; they seem to come from nowhere. Yet in another sense, she is closer – too close, perhaps – because all she has are the words which attest, in Blanchot’s work, to the void against which those words appear.

No escape: the narrator cannot escape from his exhaustion; he writes, and that exhaustion is transformed. And when we read Blanchot’s cit, born from exhaustion and the ‘merciful strength’ which escapes exhaustion? Fascinated by the texts, close to them, far from them, there is no escape for us. Is this exhausting – a counterpart to the exhaustion of the narrator? Rather, one always reads, Blanchot says, in a kind of lightness, which is perhaps the analogue of that surplus of strength which allowed the writer to begin to write.

The Event Itself

The cit is not the relating of an event but this event itself, the approach of this event, the place where it is called on to unfold, an event still to come, by the magnetic power of which the narrative itself can hope to come true.

It may appear Blanchot’s narrator seeks to write about his encounter with ‘him’, but his cit refers to another and more fundamental encounter (or, with respect to our reading of the text, something closer to its surface): one that is the condition of possibility of any narration. The event the narrator would narrate is joined by another narration and another event – that of the interruption of his capacities as an author.

Then the cit bears upon its own possibility, even as it needs to give itself body in terms of a specific narrative, and is nothing apart from what is given to be read. It is as if the cit, as it names the event, pre-existed the narrative events that incarnate it; or that what happens in the narrative is only a way of allegorising or redoubling what has already occurred. Everything – plot, character development, the ‘interest’ of the narrative – would have been devoured by the black hole of the event. Or the event itself would stand over its characters, measuring out their destinies like Fate.

But the precedence of the event cannot be understood chronologically. When Blanchot allows himself in his critical work speak of the past, of recurrence, this is a way of figuring the way in which the cit leads itself back to the question of its own possibility, but also the impossibility of ever accounting for that event in the present of tasks, projects and intact subjects. Narrative incidents, then, must always be poor but necessary proxies for the event at issue. None of them are any greater significance than the others insofar as any of them is liable to fall into the lack the cit would narrate.

But if, in Blanchot’s cits, a fall is always imminent; when an incident is always ready to be substituted by the event, some narratives reveal this lability more directly. The step from Blanchot’s novels to the cits uncomplicates and focuses his fictional work – it becomes simpler, the story, such as it is, is presented more sparsely, which lets the lack for which it substitutes, or into which it continually threatens to plunge, that much more present.

Still, this is too simple a notion of the cit. See here for a continuation of these reflections.

The Weeping Flat

I need to know my enemy. To know it – the damp, to watch and study it; to press my hands to it as to a fevered brow. Only this brow – the walls of the kitchen – are cold and clammy. For the last few days, I have had a fan heater turned at various parts of the wall. The plaster dries out quickly; it changes colour from dark brown to broken and then almost all the way to a healthy pink.

But it is a sick pink that results, with trails of black and mould in little clusters like liver spots. A sense of victory – the wall, completely bare, since all the furniture and appliances in the kitchen have been scattered elsewhere in the flat, changes colour like the sky. A dawn is coming from the brown night. A dirty pink dawn.

And yet, and yet. Turn the heater off for the night and the next morning, when I open the kitchen door, I see specks of darkness invading the dirty pink walls. Specks of brown darkness that grow and link up. What sadness. And soon the brown is omnipresent again, and growing darker. And within 24 hours, a film of water covers the wall. A film, which when I wipe with kitchen roll carries with it dark particles of plaster. Mop the fevered brow. Mop it, and the water comes off brown, dark brown.

The damp punishes me. On the first night with the fan heater I felt exalted. Could the damp really be clearing? Was it as simply at pointing a beam of heat at the wall? The next morning I woke early in my bedroom, which, unlike the other rooms of the flat, I’ve kept clean and free of kitchen detritus. The washing machine, covered in mould, stands in the living room; the rusting oven in the bathroom. Cupboards whose backs are thick with green and black spores are scattered everywhere. But the bedroom – pristine, I thought, with creamy light green walls.

What peace! And yet, and yet, what did I smell? What was that smell – damp? had it reached me from the kitchen? And then I see it: punishment for my hubris; the restoration of the cosmic balance between light and darkness: all along the bottom of the bedroom wall, rising damp, black. All along the wall beneath the window, and curling the wallpaper up: damp, black mould.

And the damp’s already returning to the bathroom, I can smell it. Already returning, even after the damp course last year. Another damp expert ran his meter over the bathroom wall. ‘There’s something there.’ He and I go outside and look at the wall. We look, we look, until all we are is looking. How to read the walls? Does it need repointing? Best to do it. Best to get it done, to make sure. And then we look at the £500 of rendering I’ve just had done. It needs to be extended, he says. It’s not enough, he says. Look at the darkness of the brick, he says. Feel it. It’s wet, he says. Yes, it is wet. It’s weeping. The whole flat is weeping.

More rendering then. I book the rendering company to return. They’re coming at lunchtime today. And meanwhile, the damp and I. Meanwhile – and I think for the whole of my life – I and the damp, one to one. I press my hand on its brow. My hand on a patch of kitchen wall. My hand on the curled up blackened wall paper in the bedroom. My hand on the wall in the bathroom from which I know the damp will come. And my hand on my own chest, for I know where it’s coming from, all this damp.

Sunglasses

‘It’s too hot!’, I complain. W. reaches in his manbag for a wipe. ‘Rub the inside of your wrists and behind your ears’, he says, ‘it’ll cool you down.’ W.’s prepared for the heat, he said. He watched the weather forecasts. ‘Europe is either very hot,’ he says, ‘or very cold.’ He reaches in his man bag for suntan lotion, and applies it to his cheerful face.

W. is an enemy of sunglasses. ‘Take them off,’ he says, ‘you look like an idiot.’ But it’s sunny, I protest. ‘They block your pineal eye’, he says. ‘It needs sunlight.’ The pineal eye’s in the centre of your skull, W. explains, but it’s sensitive to light. Without light, you quickly become depressed. ‘That’s why you’re so morose’, says W. I’m morose, he says, whereas he, who doesn’t wear sunglasses, is joyful. ‘Joy is everything,’ says W., ‘I am essentially joyful.’

Planet of Damp

Like Jacob with his angel, I wrestle with my damp. The walls are bare now, a workman having spread the parts of my kitchen around the flat: the washine machine beside me here as I type, the oven in the bathroom, the cabinets in the hallway. The walls are bare, and absolute, and sweating – this is the word – damp.

For my part, I have a small heater which I aim at this part of the wall, and then that. Gradually, the plaster changes colour. From an angry dark brown, mottled with dark green and with black mold to a calmer, lighter pink: it seems a miracle; it seems I’m winning, but how can this be?

Periodically, I go out to the kitchen with some kitchen roll, and wipe down the great sweating surface. There’s always a layer of water – a sweat sheen. I marvel. Is the wall alive? Does it live in some strange way, like the planet Solaris, perhaps. That is the meaning of salt crystals which form on the wall. Is it conscious and groping towards me to communicate? Or is salt the way it expresses itself, or dreams? My flat is the satellite that turns around the damp, and I am the astronaut, fascinated only by its changing surface.

Whole religions have formed around less: around damp, and the source of damp. The kitchen could be a sacred grove, a spring. Only it seems a spring underground, a hidden place, a grotto to which our ancestors would descend. And what of the essay I’m trying to write? How can it compete against the great, bare walls?

Sometimes I want to press myself bodily against them, and to be absorbed. To disappear into the damp and to live a life there, on the other side of the wall. But I have my little heater, righteous weapon, and in patches the damp is changing colour, from angry brown to pink. Pray for me.

European Thoughts

‘What have I told you!,’ admonishes W. as we board a train in Frankfurt. ‘This is public space. Pub-lic. That means outside your head.’ He points to my head. ‘Private’. And then out to the world ‘public.’ W. is a great upholder of this division. Abolish the public/ private divide and you abolish civilisation, W. always says. He looks around him contentedly. ‘See how quiet it is in Europe. It’s civilised,’ he says, ‘not like you.’

We are drinking. The European countryside rushes by. It’s so green! So fresh! And the buildings are so old. ‘Europe!’, I sigh. – ‘It’s a mystery to you, isn’t it?’  Even the names of the stations are intimidating, I tell W. ‘Think of everything that has happened here! All that history.’ W. takes it all in his strife, he says. Europe makes him gentler, better. It improves him. It’s the public spaces, he says. They’re so quiet in Germany. So calm.

W. says he’s more European than me. ‘You’re British,’ he says. ‘A British ape.’ We drink. ‘I can hold my drink’, says W., ‘I drink like a European, see?’ His glass is two thirds full. Mine’s empty. – ‘Can I have some of yours?’ – ‘Fuck off.’ I take out my notepad. ‘I’m going to write down our European thoughts.’ W. says he hasn’t had any yet. I tell him we should keep a record of our journey.

Later, and W. is in a contemplative mood. ‘Are you thinking of your Canadian boyhood?’, I ask him. W. is thinking of his many European trips. Back and forth across Europe, W.’s travelled. Not like me. ‘You haven’t been anywhere. Anyone can tell.’ W. is an experienced traveller. Take drinking, for example. He can pace himself, he says. Morning to night, he drinks like a European. Steadily. That’s the secret. ‘You should watch the Poles’, he says, ‘they’re experts.’ Poles – experts, I write down in my notebook.

The Damp and I

I press my nose to the pink plaster in the bathroom. Is it damp that I smell? Is it coming back? My hand on the surface. No, it’s not wet. But there’s wetness, I know, on the other side of the wall. Waiting, darkly. I can smell it.

The damp can get no wetter in the kitchen. The plaster comes off on my fingers. Brown paste. And the smell, the terrible smell. What’s rotting? What’s behind the kitchen units? Something has died, back there beyond the wall. And down the plaster the trace of a vertical river. When did it stream? When did it dry up? A track of browner plaster on plaster. And everywhere the smell of rotting. What’s died, there behind the cabinets?

It’s all to come off Monday. And then the plaster’s to come off, and it will be the final encounter. The brick and I. Exposed brick and a man, and great drying machines. Because the machines are to come to dry the place out. Night and day, they’ll suck the damp from the air. And the plaster will have been stripped away. Nothing between the damp and I. Nothing but damp brick and I, in the stripped away kitchen.

There’ll be no washing machine and no fridge. No oven, and no cabinets. That will all be moved to the living room. In the kitchen, the wrecked floor and the wet bricks, breathing. The damp and I: a final reckoning. If it doesn’t dry, say the insurance people, then they’ll pull out.

It’s beyond them, say the drying company appointed by the Loss Adjuster. No one understands the damp. It’s Talumdic. The damp is the enigma at the heart of everything. It draws into it the light of all explanations, all hope. The damp says: I exist, and that is all. I am that I am: so the damp. I will outlast you and outlast everything, says the damp.

Outside, half an inch of rendering now covers the back of the kitchen. Today I placed my palm on its grey surface. Wet. But that’s to be expected, what with the rain. But it was still wet. Everything’s wet, on both sides of the wall. Apparently there’s a gap between two layers of brick. A gap – that’s where the source of the damp is, I know it. That’s where it is, dark, wet matter without shape. Matter without light, as there are in the dwarf galaxies stripped of gas.

And the damp’s still spreading. There’s still more of the wall to conquer. ‘It’ll be in your living room soon’, says the damp expert. I nod. Yes, it will be everywhere. The flat’ll be made of damp, and spores will fill every part of the air. And I will breathe the spores inside and mold will flower inside me. I’ll live half in water like a frog.

It is my own catastrophe, very close to me. A secret catastrophe, spreading from the gap between the layers of brick. I take people out there, to the kitchen, and run their hands along the wall. ‘Feel it’, I say, ‘it’s alive.’ They’re always impressed, and disgusted.

My Visitor, in particular, is disturbed by the damp, and by the dirt that falls from the kitchen. She stands at the threshold of the kitchen, appalled. ‘Don’t worry’, I tell her. ‘It’s inside the cabinets’, she says, in horror. ‘I know’, I whisper.

The washing powder has contracted into great wet lumps. The salt is a single wet block. The sugar, the same. And where tins stand for an hour they leave a rusty mark. And dirt from the ceiling crumbled over everything. And it’s so cold out there, so cold – so wet, the air full of spores. And salt covers the plaster like a beard. Salt in large flakes that you can rub away.

Leave kitchen roll standing for an hour and it’s soaked. Leave a dry dishcloth on a worksurface and it’s sodden. How wet is the air? Water condenses along the walls. And there are great green splodges where the mold is growing. You can’t rub them away. They go deep: great, green splodges like nebulas.

Once, the plaster was a dry pink. Once, for just a few days. Then the damp spread from one corner of the kitchen. We found the source: a leak. A waste pipe. It was fixed, but the damp began to spread outwards, strange sun, strange radiance. Until every part of the kitchen was a wet brown. A brown that became mottled with green, and purple. And then that was covered with salt that somehow grew from the wall. Salt in large flakes I sometimes wipe away with my hand. Was the salt a good omen? A bad one?

Sometimes, it has seemed the damp was drying. Sometimes, I have dared to think: it’s in retreat. But in truth, the damp was only gathering itself in darkness to come again. Gathering itself, breathing in, so it could exhale back out and farther this time. Gathering in so it can bloom out, strange star, so its rays might reach the living room, and there begin new work. There’s a whole cosmogony at work here. A universe born, expanding. Dark matter and darker matter intertwined. Impersonal life – it’s here, I know it beneath my fingers.

Just now, I went out there again, to verify. Is it really that bad? It is that bad. Is it really that wet? Yes, it is wet. Does dirt still fall from the ceiling? It falls, and constantly. And I take a breath. Am I really breathing in spores? I’m breathing in spores. And I touch the wall above the sink – is something really running off on my hands? I look at them. There’s something brown. Something wrong. There’s a new process beginning in there, I decide. Something else is beginning. A darker brown within brown. A spore within the spore, but with sentience. The king of spores, with a dark intelligence, growing between the walls.

I think the insurance company are going to pull out. I think the Loss Adjuster will shake her head and leave. I think the drying machines are going to fail, and I’ll be left on my own in the kitchen, in the dark. The electricity failed there for six months because of the damp. It was dark, only dark, and the oven didn’t work; nothing worked there. For a long time, dark, and with nothing working.

Then I got the electricians out. Light! ‘Your flat needs rewiring’, they said, ‘the whole lot.’ I ignored them. There was light, and that was enough. And the light is still working. It doesn’t flicker; it’s steady. Which means you can gaze upon the damp. You can gaze, fascinated at the damp and the plaster mottled with damp. It doesn’t hide, the damp. It isn’t shy. It is there, obvious. It announces itself calmly. It says, here I am, with quiet plainness. And there it is. A fact. Absolute damp. Damp beyond all damp meters. ‘Off the scale’, said the drying expert, who’ll bring the machines.

I’m going back out there again. I’m supposed to be working. I’m writing something. But the damp is calling me. The damp wants a witness to itself. And who am I but its bard? Make an idiom for me, says the damp. Let me spread in words, too, it says. Let me spread through your blog and through all blogs. The damp seeks a new medium. And it will spread, medium to medium until the pages of the universe are written with damp.

I have to go out there again. The damp is calling, and I am an arm of my damp, I know it now. One night it grew me. One night a spore unfolded itself to make a man, a golem of damp. And the damp wrote its name on my forehead and placed its charm on my tongue. I spoke; I wrote; I was the bard of damp. Write, says the damp. Let me spread there, too, on the page. I write. The blog is wet.

And is it coming back in the bathroom? Is it coming back there, from the brick and from the gap between the bricks? Is something beginning there, too, a kind of Singularity of damp, damp become self-aware? Because a new step is being taken here, I know it. Life has reached another level. Damp will speak. Damp has begun to dream, there between the walls. And what will it say when it comes to itself? What will the damp say when it wakes up?

I don’t know which one of us wrote these lines, the damp or I.

A Blurb

Too tired, can’t write, or unless it’s just to write that: too tired, and that I cannot write. But what does that register? What does it make clear? A kind of flashing of the sky in the sea, reflected. Flashing flashed at the sky: what does it matter, and to whom?

Sunlight on the backs of the houses, opposite. One o’clock. Home for lunch, and to write a blurb – two or three sentences, no more than that. But nothing comes to mind. The yard: no scar now where the pipe was ripped from the wall. Grey rendering instead, and spreading around the corner to cover the kitchen wall. And a strip of lighter concrete along the concrete floor of the yard where the burst pipe was dug up and replaced.

Came home to write a blurb, and thinking only of that. The book I’ve read three times in typescript. The book whose pages I’ve marked and annotated. I wrote the word, tone on the title page. Tone: a sign to myself. A word I want to explore. The typescript is full of such words, such signs. My trace. The passage I have left through its pages, like the voyager in Verne’s Journey to the Centre of the Earth follows the signs of a previous explorer. What happened to him? Lost at the earth’s heart just as I am also lost at the heart of a book for which the blurb will not come. Lost in eighty pages on my bed in the other room.

Days pass unmarked. A new leak in the kitchen? The plaster seems to be melting from the walls. Rusty paste colour on my fingers. And the smell! Something is rotting, something dying there on the other side of the wall. Books: Duras’s Lol V. Stein, Henry Green’s Back, and now Loving again, after 15 years. A new office, straight out of Bela Tarr. A clean desk as I abandon my review for a while … what to write about now? Back to what I know, and hopefully back here, soon.

White Light

Ill at home for a fifth day, and a pale, seemingly sourceless light is everywhere. I recognise it; it has come to find me: white, indifferent light. White light like maggots writhing when you roll away the bin, alive in itself somehow. Trying to live in its own way, but such light lives only across kitchen work tops and empty baths. Such light, known to the ill, the unemployed is the great neutral medium of the everyday, interposing itself so that only it can be seen, passing like river fog across the clean surfaces of our houses.

Who has seen it? I saw it all the time once. A seeing that needs a great training, months of preparation. Until: there it is: the thickness of the everyday, the day as what neither begins nor ends, but flows across the work tops and the silver taps. I think to enter it fully would be to forget. But I’m not yet ready. Somewhere, I am sure, there are great sages of the everyday, great voyagers, who travel everywhere in the white light, unafraid. I imagine they are drinking. I imagine they drink constantly, night and day, but that that is how they hold themselves into the light.

You can never see it face on, I tell himself. Never directly. It must come towards you, like a shy animal. You have to be still enough, marooned enough, that it might drift towards you. And where your mouth was open, it will be filled with gossamer. And where your eyes were open, cotton wool wads. And your ears sealed by buds of light.

You should drink, I tell myself. Drink sweet, stale beer open in cans on your floor. Stale lager, cheap – an obscure brand from the German supermarket: others, you know it, in Old Europe are drinking this. Others, elsewhere, voyagers in white light are drinking the same cheap Aldi lager – in Hungary, say, or in Albania. They would understand you there. They’d understand it was Old Europe you were reaching, the same white light over rust belts and radioactive zones.

Or you should eat. The discount Greggs, selling stale goods from the region. 7 stale teacakes in a bag. 7 Gingerbread men, or 7 Lardy cakes. Lardy cakes open the way. Wrappers and crumbs on the sofa open it up. Lie down in the afternoon, full of sweet stale cakes and sweet stale beer. The day is passing, but your day is going nowhere. The day passes – but is it really passing? How to reach up and stir the sky with a stick to find out? The clouds have the thickness, you imagine of mashed potato.

And everywhere, white light and not a chance. White light, bland and shadowless – the great noon of life as it turns in itself. The great noon, nobody’s climax, when the day climbs to the plateau of the afternoon that you will cross with the aid of 4 cans of sweet beer and 7 stale cakes. Isn’t that what white light brings to me, and today? Isn’t that of what it reminds me?

Listen to Felt in the afternoon. Keep the TV turned on, with the volume down, and listen to this Felt album or that, it makes no difference. Felt in the afternoon: perfect. You are stranded – the day has stranded you, and so are Felt, who are with you. You and Felt. You and the TV on and Felt and half finished cans of sweet, stale beer and cake crumbs on the sofa. Is your life over? Did it ever begin?

Sometimes, in the day, you have had to keep the house clean. That was your duty: hoover the floor, and cream cleanse the sink after you’ve done the washing up. Scrub the silver hob back to silver. Let the silver taps shine silver again: do you remember what the son was charged to do in Hal Hartley’s Trust? Do you remember how he failed in his tasks, and how he was punished?

But they don’t understand, the workers, the able bodied. They don’t understand – how can they, who lack your perspective upon the day, who do not know the white light? What can they know, who drive from here to there, who work? Time has not given itself to them. Time has not opened itself as wide as the sky. Time does not allow them the vistas it has given you, as over a salt marsh: the whole, white sky.

7 stale Chelsea buns. 7 squashed eclairs, with yellow cream. In truth, they go the quickest, almost as soon as the shop is open. There’s always a queue, very long. A queue, and you’ll be lucky if there are gingerbread men left. Sometimes, you make do with white, stale baps, but they don’t fill you, and they’re not sweet. Or seven unsweet finger rolls. Or a single loaf of brown bread that is hard when you tap it. Toc toc.

It’s only on your own that the white light will reach you. On your own, but if that means alone enough to be no one, no one in particular. The day, like an office, has its functionaries. The alcoholics on the corner are as interchangable as bureaucrats. They have equivalent dreams, equivalent nightmares; they are all exactly the same, closer or farther to the heart of white light.

And you, who are you, alone, but with no secrets to share, with nothing to recount? White light flows through you. Light passes through your permeable body. When you cough you cough clouds of day. When you walk along the street, it is the day that walks, having hardened itself into a body, a life. Having lain itself into the course of your life like a glacier in its valley.

Like a Bela Tarr film, the narrative of your life is so attenuated, so given to stretches of nothingness, ghost landscapes, you can gather nothing together. What happened? You remember an atmosphere, a climate. It was always light. There was light everywhere. But that is a screen memory. Light does not happen, it is the way things happen. Light is what retreats from things, for the most part. It is the withdrawal of light that lets us see, and speak, and listen.

But sometimes it comes over you to blank things out. Now nothing happens, least of all your life. Nothing whatsoever: can you imagine that? It drifts through you, eventless. Drifts, and without knowing itself, seeks itself. Seeks, by forgetting it has sought and every other memory it might have had. There can be no plans. No anticipation. The absence of hope, and of all relation to the future.

Indifference, that’s what’s required. Perfect indifference to itself. A kind of sphere turning in its indifference. Can you imagine wanting nothing at all? Being lost from all orbits? Wandering out and out, lost comet?  But there’s no need to imagine it, since you are part of it. I think it is you who I can scarcely imagine. You. But the light’s brought you back to me. Or it’s taking me back, all the way. Fifteen years … longer. Sweet beer on the sofa. Sweet stale beer, and crumbs from 7 sweet, stale cakes.

Evisceration

Ill and at home, but well enough again to read. Which book? I have a wall of books piled up. That one: Duras, Lol V. Stein. That one again, and not because it is familiar. To reread this one is to be gathered up again around its mystery, as though it replaced my own heart. But isn’t that the joy: to be gathered around what I cannot enclose, the outside inside, which means this new heart is as great and as wide as the night, and the space within is like the space without, as though I could take vast astronomical x-rays of quasars, planets’ rings and stray comets. As though that evisceration of which Mishima used to dream was already accomplished, and I could know my innards were always bleeding outwards to the stars.

Duras’s words are pieces of light, I tell myself, streaming above me. Absolute words, flashing like the light above the poles: how is it they have seemed to have detached themselves from anyone – from her narrator, and from Duras herself? How was she able to place word after word that it was another who spoke in her, that it was all of narration that gathered itself up to speak? As though it were the pressure of time, pressing itself forward in words that flash. Ah, but what does any of this mean?

The young Mishima felt words falling within him; he wrote. At sixteen, he was admitted into an elite literary club. His friend Kawabata – who eviscerated himself only a few months after Mishima (though he was Mishima’s senior, his advisor, and, unlike him, a Nobel laureate) – knew that such a writer only appeared every two hundred years.

No doubt – but Mishima also felt those falling words a sickness and sought to hone his body in the sun in recompense. No doubt he was right to fear those falling words, that made themselves, with him, into stories, essays, plays of all kinds, in but a single draft, knowing that as they were given to him, they were also turned away.

Opaque pebbles. Markers on what gameboard? He didn’t understand. They played him. They fell, indifferently, into the abyss they’d opened in his heart. No stalagmite in him could reach up to touch the source of their instreaming. For a long time, he bent his neck and words fell hard like rain across it. Then he raised his face, his eyes, and looked up through the words. High above, at the cave’s summit, the sun. And it was the sun that he would reach to him.

I think it was the dream of his death that allowed his words to flash. Death, that would join him to a sun above writing. A dream, for certain. There is no silence, only murmuring. Pythagoras was right: the universe is noisy. The planets turn in their gyres and a great roaring is heard. It is that we must stop hearing to hear. To speak with silence, and not words, if only to hear what will not be silenced.

What did Mishima hear as he died in the characters he let die by evisceration? The roaring of the sun, heard from within the sun. What did he see? Light, as it’s seen within the source of light. He knew what would come to befall him. It was the object of his erotic fantasies, and he staged his death over and again in his stories. He rehearsed for death – but death had already reached him. He wanted to silence the words, to make his body all surface without depth. There would be no dark, interior space within which words would fall, only brightness, as rain falls flashing in the sun.

But what does this mean? That it is my some kind of break that writing might be allowed to echo the ceaseless streaming of language. Some break, some block, as though there had to be a rack upon which the author is stretched. White sheets of agony – yes. But imagine an agony that is owned by no one and a rack upon which no one is stretched. Is it the body of the night that is pulled apart? Is it light that is torn into jagged flecks? Now I imagine it is all of language that turns there like a Chinese dragon. Turns, and is turned against us. Language seeks to attain itself. Molten language, words and sentences still, but running. Isn’t that what flashes in Mishima’s words and in those of Duras?

What are their characters? Wicker men and women to be sacrificed. What are their stories? Offerings to be burned. What unfolds in the time of their narratives? The setting fire of time; the sacrifice that must always happen again.

A Shit Stain

W. is ill and so am I. But W. will never believe I am as ill as he is. I haven’t moved from my sofa in three days; he hasn’t moved from his in a week. I’ve done little but watch DVDs; he hasn’t been able to muster the concentration necessary to watch a DVD. I’ve lost my appetite, but W has forgotten he ever had an appetite. And above all, I’m capable of writing, ‘I’ve lost my appetite’, whereas W. hasn’t touched a keyboard for a week. ‘Even your illnesses are affectations’, says W.

In his illness, W. has been thinking only of his failure. ‘What have you been thinking about?’, he asks me, ‘celebrity gossip?’ Night and day, W. has been pondering why he has accomplished so little. ‘What have you been pondering?’, he asks, ‘what you’re going to make me say on your stupid blog?’ W. has decided I have no real sense of failure. ‘Even your sense of failure is a sham’, he says.

If he were to watch a DVD in his illness, says W., it would undoubtedly be Satantango. ‘Seven and a half hours, all in one sitting.’ I tell him I watched In Her Shoes. ‘It was really good. I like romantic comedies.’ Next up, Hulk. ‘An old favourite.’

W., who is really ill, as opposed to what he calls my fake illness, has been ill continuously over the past few months. For brief periods, his symptoms withdraw, allowing him to go into the office. I, who caught my illness from W. in the first place have also been ill off and on, but it is only intermittent, says W. ‘You’re basically healthy. Robust in your idiocy.’

‘You don’t know what it means to be ill, night and day. Like Kafka. Like Blanchot.’ W.’s illness is grand, mine is petty. His draws him closer to the masters, mine only reveals how far from them I have ever been. ‘What amazes me,’ says W., ‘is how they could ever write a line.’ W., in his illness, can write nothing. He rises early each morning in the hope he might accomplish something, but every day he is confronted by his own inability. Even the small task of writing our abstract is beyond him.

Has he, in his illness, heard the rumbling of bare existence?, I ask W. He says he thinks he hears it night and day, or it might only be me talking about celebrity gossip. Am I his Eckermann, or his Boswell? I ask W. He says I’m his ape, and, remembering Benjamin on Max Brod, that I’m a question mark in the margin of his life. Well, more like an exclamation mark, says W., or a shit stain.

The Moor

I’ve been reading about Haddam, and Frank Bascombe’s small voyage away from it, and his small voyage back. 4.00 AM, and I’m up for paracetomol and cough relief: don’t I hear the line of narrative then, catching it by surprise as it threads inside me? In the bathroom, I hear calm male voices through the wall – strange, at this time of night: the voices of lovers? friends? – and I think I hear them as Frank Bascombe might, meeting them with prose, or drawing those voices up to the plateau of writing.

Now they will resound in another sense, and for others. Captured voices, details, giving themselves to that pressure to tell, to re-narrate the world that draws any of us up to the moors. By what impulse does any of us want to double the world, to join the streaming of writing to the details of everyday life? And it is on the everyday that Frank Bascombe is concentrated – details, details, a mad profusion.

Richard Ford writes biro on notebook. I can imagine that – and in my mind, he’s a cousin to another great notebook writer. And parts of Peter Handke’s No Man’s Bay are as dull as parts of Independence Day, but are also just as beautiful. Strange knot by which Ford loops the circular horizon of America – its possibilities, its promise, even beyond those of the battle Bascombe notes between Bush and Dukakis – within the small circumstances of a life, over a weekend. I imagine that if you unfolded Frank Bascombe’s tale in the right way, you would find all of America opening up, like one of those paper puppets you made as a child, with numbers written on its inner edges, opening and closing as it was puppeted by your fingers.

All of America; America – the whole country, but also the sense of America as project, as if it was a newly discovered country; innocent, eternally new America that opens itself from these pages mad with detail. On the back cover, a quote to say the book is a masterpiece. It isn’t one. A sport, a weird outgrowth: this is a book written up on the moors, written to celebrate solitariness, a voice detached from life and letting life echo in itself.

Frank Bascombe’s voice. But in its mad profusion, not even that. The man alone, says Aristotle, is like a god or a beast. Bascombe’s voice, it seems to me, attempts to pass itself off as a common voice, the voice of anyone with open eyes and descriptive powers. It has real beauty. It spoils us: few books flash with such sheets of prose; few books are so lushly precise.

But his voice is uncommon, alone – Bascombe is more alone than anyone. His measured, reasoning voice lets echo in its mad prolifigacy a narrative pressure that seems to draw something of writing back into itself. An inhuman voice; a voice that gives body to itself through detail so it can pass itself off like any other. And it is this voice, I imagine, that magnetises Bascombe, and draws him up onto the moors.

At four AM, Bascombe’s voice is more alive than I am, threading through the darkness. Where is it going? But the question is where it has been – everywhere, I tell myself – this voice that has exhausted everything. And isn’t this clear the more strongly it attempts to cling to the surface of the world? Details, details – and too many of them. Great, dull patches where nothing happens. Slownesses like long-necked dinosaurs chomping in the sun. What boredom! Who could inflict such a book upon themselves?

A masterpiece? A mutation. A kind of cancer wherein narrative, narrative pressure, splits into a million flashing shards, like the world seen from a dragonfly’s eye. But it is a necessary book, and I thank it for carrying me through these weeks. Alone with the book, I am as alone as Frank Bascombe, and more alone than him. It is his voice that threads forward in me at 4.00 AM in the morning. His voice as it seizes details and eats them up, his voice that never turns itself away from taking a bite of the world.

Who would I be, without this book? Lost, I think – but then I’m also lost with it; it’s lost me, I’m up on the moors knowing writing’s insistent pressure. Shouldn’t I throw details to writing like meat to hungry dogs? Shouldn’t I see my own life through a dragonfly’s eyes?

As I read, I think I know what it meant when Mishima said, words are streaming through me. They stream, and in an inexhaustible profusion. Ill and reading back over the last month’s writing, I must conclude that I too am mad in some basic way. Madness eats at me. Too many words. Words, streaming like the water from the burst pipe in my yard. And isn’t it to still that voice that I write here? Isn’t it to bring it to a halt by substituting a finished post for its eternal streaming?

The Day

Write at dawn, as day lifts itself from night. The day is coming: write that. The day has come: write that. So is its arrival lifted into eternity. The white page: there, alone, can writing arrive, for look, outside: soon evening will come; soon the day will fall from itself. Then the white page is the day, and more day than the day: the eternity of sense, the supernumerary day of black on white.

The flag of writing flaps in the wind of time. Time mocks it: ‘you say the day has come, but it has not come’, but writing mocks time: ‘the day completes itself on my page.’

Night comes. Time says: ‘isn’t night the ink of writing? Doesn’t the day live by the blood of night?’ Time pauses and goes on, ‘You have killed the day to make the day. Writing is also a tomb, and the words "the day has come" is the trail of blood running from the lips of a dead man.’

And writing laughs and says, ‘you know my secret. In truth, I can only write of the day in the ink of night; I bring the day only by way of deep oblivion. Somewhere else, another day is rising, a brighter sun. Somewhere else is rising the day to which all days are mere indices. How to write of the day itself, free from night? How to write in white ink on a white page, or in darkness upon darkness?

‘I know this is your dream, time, which is why you look for me.’

The Same

The same: the day comes to itself each morning. Comes to itself: the same day, the same each time. Why is it necessary to accompany it with writing? Why, if not to help the day complete itself, to complete it in a written act that sets its seal on its coming? The day comes to itself on the page. Or what is written marks its completion, redoubles it.

The day has arrived: that’s what writing says. But writing keeps its arrival; it does not need to come to itself anew. The day has come: write it now and it’s written forever. Why rewrite it, then? Why does it have to be rewritten? Now I wonder whether writing marks what the day does not have. Whether it is in writing, and writing alone that the day can come to itself.

Is that why it asks to be written, and each morning? Is that what it seeks, in the writing it asks for? Mark the day; mark the turning of the day. Mark what can never complete itself, once and for all, as the day’s coming. Set the seal on its coming; write: it has arrived; the day has come, even if, as you write, you know the day cannot come, or can only come to itself in writing.

February

The beginning of the month: nothing to write; begin again. But begin from what? Write about the yard. Write about the flat. Write about W. But only that the beginning will catch, and post give unto post continuously each morning, as day follows day. It is like the secret engine – time – that turns the finished day into a new one. The work of time: the page of the sky as it grows dark. And on the new page, it begins again, darkness becoming light. Why did our ancestors pray that the sun rise each morning? Not because they believed it would not, but because it rose.

Howard Hughes

W.’s been ill, he says. Again? Yes, again. He gets up, goes to work, and comes back to sleep, that’s all. ‘I don’t know how Kafka got anything done. It’s terrible being ill.’ I ask him whether his houseguest has gone. She has; and Sal’s still away, so his house is becoming like Howard Hughes’, he says. With bottles of urine everywhere? Exactly. Has he cut his hair and nails? No. ‘I’m like a wildman’, W. says.

Has he had any thoughts from his illness? None. Has his new book advanced any further? No. Has he written our joint abstract? No again. And what of your news?, he asks me. I tell him; it’s been a while; we haven’t spoken since Christmas. It’s all begun afresh for you, hasn’t it?, says W. What new plans do you have? Where will your idiocy lead you? Of what lines of flight are you dreaming?

I’m at my most idealistic at the start of the year, W. notes, whereas he’s at his most gloomy. Idiocy protects you, he says. He reminds me of my great follies in the past. ‘Do you remember your Hindu period? Your plans for a career in music? Your foray into business ethics?’ We both marvel at them. What’s it to be this year?, says W., go on, I need a laugh.

The new year! It’s always the same! New ideas! New follies! But W. is ill, and has no plans. Bottles of urine everywhere, hair and nails uncut, scrabbling through piles of unfinished writing, he staggers through the day.

My Flat

Yesterday, I swept the yard clean after the builders, and rearranged the potted plants by height – hebes and heathers, ferns and splindly shrubs – so they spread out pleasantly in the twelve feet of concrete between eye and wall. The long scar along the kitchen wall, which the damp expert said was ‘letting the weather in’ has been healed up; the thin skin of rendering, turning green from moisture, has been replaced by a thicker one, and finally, you can see a strip of darker, rougher concrete where the burst water pipe was dug up and replaced.

Inside, in the kitchen, the damp continues to spread, but calmly, changing softly the colour of the wall. Along its spreading edges, thick salt, which falls to pile at the base of the wall and along the worksurfaces. And grit still falls from one corner of the ceiling. And the wet walls are marked with mildew like liver spots on an elderly hand. Along the window sill, the plaster has turned a motled green.

The bathroom is dry now; the damp expert passed his machine over the wall: yes, it is certain, the damp course is working. And no leak, either, from the shower upstairs, though I look up still from my shower to where water used to run – where it even poured once, raining inside a room as in one of Tarkovsky’s films. But the wooden floor is still ruined in places by plaster dust. And the replaced floorboards are the wrong colour: yellow wood, instead of brown. On wood, fallen leaves from the palm. On the floor of the bath, long hairs – not mine – reddish brown on white plastic.

January

The end of a month, or nearly. Admit it: the blog is measured in months, or that each month is something like a life, beginning tentatively, exploring a new, wide territory, before rising prolifically to the plateau at the middle – the stretch of days that opens as to the wanderer in Peter Handke’s stories. But then, later on, the waste of days – diffuse anguish at the edge of the sea. Was it all for this? And what end has been reached, the soft green waves lapping at your feet?

The Cargo Crate

I came home this lunchtime to check on the workmen chipping off the rendering and pointing the brick on the kitchen wall, and it was as though I was present where I should not be – wasn’t it the flat’s time, in half darkness, curtains closed against the day? Wasn’t it a chance for absence to drowse like a lazy cat in the afternoon?

I lay down for a while and read Richard Ford, and felt a wave of prose gather itself forward in me and thought: is this my voice, or someone else’s? And then: never mind. But I had to go back to work, and forgot what was gathering itself in me to be written. Didn’t I mean to entertain the idea that you can write only when you don’t want to write – that writing begins when you relinquish it, or the desire to write, when it begins to gather itself in you, looking for itself, asking that you be absent so that it can roll forward in your place?

With whose voice do you write? By what act of ventriloquism? And I remember the image of one surfacing after a long time immersed. Surfacing, and breathing – another word for writing, or for what breathes itself to life here. And then I was to wander allusively through the several days when there was no writing: I was to write of my Visitor, presenting her only in silhouette – what an art! – or in the manner of a shadow that fell across my days. A shadow? But what is the opposite of a shadow, an image in the shape of light, and how to write of light passing through the shadow of my life?

And now the image that awakens in me is of Crusoe waking on the shore of an island. Who wakes? Who speaks? Sometimes the dream of beginning over again – a desire to lose my memory, like the protagonist of The Man With No Past, who sleeps in a cargo crate. A desire for that silence in which a voice might gather itself. The echoing walls in an empty flat. But then I know it is a voice that desires itself in me. To come to itself, but from no one’s throat; to sound, but with no voice in particular.

Is there a way of letting writing echo? Perhaps, as Red Thread(s) says of Albaich’s poetry, it must be made of space and sparseness: ‘the white of the page sings through; the words and phrases seem to float.’ But with prose? With lines and lines of prose? How to write what echoes as one speaks in a empty room, a cargo crate? Unless the blog is itself that room. The blog – my life – across which light passes like a shadow.

The Fish

Try harder!, my dad used to say to my sister when she complained she couldn’t sleep. As if you had to strain yourself and push in order to find sleep, when it is by surprise that you must come to it, or by surprise that it finds you, as when, walking through a wood, a clearing opens up, a secret vista – and I remember, now, a garden opened to our schoolbus that I would see again, years later, in Chagall’s The Poet Dreams.

Every time, it opened unexpectedly, and that is like sleep, which unexpectedly finds you, there around the corner you couldn’t turn by yourself. And then you understand that sleep was steering you to come to itself, that it was backed up behind you, and exerting a gentle pressure. Sleep calls you to itself, and what you want is only its wanting inside you. Sleep would like to join itself; sleep would like to lie down, turning inside you like a cat trying to find its spot.

That you wake up, like a diver surfacing – that awakening wants to waken in you, lightens you, and presses you upward to where the water’s bright – is the analogue of another kind of awakening. There is a state, says ancient Indian thought, of a deep sleep beyond sleep – and isn’t there an awakening beyond being awake? perhaps the two states are the same.

I can’t remember the Sanskrit term, but it is what is translated as the witness that is called from waking (or sleep): wake in awakening, sleep deeper: but it is the witness that seeks to find itself in you. To find itself, and to find you – for isn’t this, of the ancient Hindus, the truest self of all? Or perhaps it is only that it is joined to the self that sleeps or wakes that brings you to the edge of truth.

Joined – but as you fall deeper in sleep than sleep, or awake from your awakening, it also unjoins you from the normal course of your life. A relation in lieu of itself; a joining that is an unjoining: it is the witness that is the measure of you, looking for itself, seeking through your life and your dreams.

Borges has a story of the mirror people trapped by an emporer on the other side of the glass. But he says they are coming again, that the magical trap will lose its force. In the deepest mirrors of a certain province, says Borges, a fish can be seen. The same fish, I think, that Wolfe’s Severian sees in the mirroring pages in the House Absolute, gathering itself, obscure threat, to break the charm.

How can you reach the image in the deepest mirror? But it is coming to reach you, the witness, the one who would see with your eyes and dream with your dreams. Or it already roils in your dreams, turning there, hinting at itself, strange leviathan that withdraws as it comes forward, and whose scales are each larger than the whole world. And aren’t those scales what you see behind the sky, silvery blue within blue?

But it also turns in your own heart, and its turning is what allows you to find it everywhere, on the edge of your sight and the corners of your hearing. Isn’t it a version of the avatar of Vishnu that let itself be caught as a tiny fish, but then grew into its true, massive size – a fish as large as the universe – and announced itself the principle of all? Only this principle is not such, but is that withdrawal that undoes the structure by which knowledge might come to itself. Or is only undoing unleashed in that system, a fire in the forest?

The poet dreams: I remember that vista, and coming across it, always unexpectedly. A garden, and a wooden house, framed by pine trees, as though on the edge of a greater forest, a sample of immensity in our dull suburbs.

The Superficial

From where I sat, very close to the stage, I saw the shadows of her harp strings fall across her face. And, earlier, the lacquered wooden body of the support act’s guitar flash out as it caught the light. Wonderful to hear Emily with the whole orchestra there – that song, and the last one on the album, are the ones I really like. But Only Skin is too long for me – my concentration lapses – and I don’t like the strings on that one.

And what of the others? I think it’s just Emily is the one, a song for her sister – a song of remembering, almost remembrance, and aren’t you suppose to write pieces like that for one dead? Isn’t she, Joanna Newsom, too young for those kind of memories – too young to be caught back and fascinated by the past? But then I remember that children, too, live a distance from the past, and with a sense of loss.

Didn’t I, as a child, dream of a narration that would stop at nothing, that would double the whole day, but then, in its doubling, would make the day other than it was? For wouldn’t the narration be part of what had to be narrated? Mirror fell into mirror, and I remember my joy at this thought, back then at junior school. I was going to set down what Chocca said – so called because his skin was brown, but not unaffectionately. I thought, he’s the key, and I think what I sought was his unobtrusiveness, as if by noting down what he said, I would have seized also on the inconsequentiality of the whole, doubling it, and letting mirror reflect into mirror.

That’s how, I think, I learnt the superficial can have a kind of depth. But I also remember learning by watching a family friend the art of lightness in conversation, of wandering from topic to topic like a robin alighting and then moving quickly away to alight elsewhere. A flurry of wings – activity – and a little pause for stillness, and then another flurry, and so on. Light speech, lightened speech that froths around us like the bubbles in that Rolling Stone video.

And another memory, very dim, of the dinner party in Tender is the Night, Fitzgerald straining his prose to evoke what he could not show through reported speech alone. Marvellous conversation at the outset of the book, everything right with the world, everything dazzling, and then the long and slow decline: we know, his readers, how it will be. But that is because they did not know lightness: because they sought to be witty or topical – because they wanted conversation for themselves, wanted to seize and mark it, like dogs in their territory. True speech is inconsequential; real speech says nothing at all.

The Jet Stream

A square of concrete outside along the kitchen wall has been marked out in blue paint. They’ll dig there, says the man who came from the water company, though he said they were only doing it for me as a favour, since the burst pipe burst is on my land, and not in the lane, for which they’re responsible.

A favour, then, but it took them five months to come out to hear for themselves the underground river that seems to flow by my house. The workman put his ear to a long tube pressed to the concrete and listened: the pipe’s burst, he said, and then had me fill out some forms so the company could come out with a drill to see what’s what. But even then, if the pipe burst is too close to the flat, it’s my concern, not theirs; I’ll have to bring in my own plumber.

Very well, no bother, what matters is where we go from here, not what’s gone before. I say all this again to the woman from complaints who has been attached by the water company to my case. She’s extravagantly polite: ‘it was a pleasure speaking to you‘, and I think it might have been, if she is the kind of person who is happy when other people’s problems are to be solved, reminding me of my old friend in Manchester, head waitress at the cafe to which I went morning and early evening; and sometimes for the afternoon, ordering a whole pot of tea and reading this and that.

I arrived first, at eleven, when they opened, but soon there would come another man, quiet, who sat well away from me in another part of the space. Then, with his pen, he’d underline certain words in the paper – sometimes the waitresses and I would attempt to work out the pattern we supposed he was attempting to find. Was he slightly mad – ‘touched’, as they say?

That was back in the first blooming of cafe culture in this country since the 60s – hadn’t my dad reminisced about his cafe years, and the girl from English who wrote a poem about this young engineer from Madras, called ‘Anyone For Coffee’? The culture spread north to the regenerating cities, and bloomed along one street in our suburb. Bohemian life, or something like it.

I was unemployed then, or ill, or both, as others were; so many of us had been as though left behind by history and we watched in bemusement as our city was transformed around us. Did we belong in this new world? But the cafes were ours – at least at those odd ends of the day that could fall, in the cafe, to the ill and unemployed, at least before the prices rose and drove us away.

We went there, I think, to hold our day together; it was structure we lacked: a shape to time. The old squats had gone, and many of us had been displaced, ready for that long sleep that would carry us alone in our council flats through the mid nineties. For now, the cafe, and the last vestiges of society were ours.

Who spoke first? How were the lanyards extended from one table to another? I think it was when I brought our new tenant, a freshly reformed alcoholic for a morning coffee, and our happy banter again in which, he said later, I taught him by example never to talk about himself in the first person. And the cafe was no longer an archipelago of tables, each with friends talking separately, but a happy flotilla, a society.

We earned nicknames for ourselves – or, at least, they addressed by our first names, but added an initial ‘Mr’ – and they thought us a couple, the many lesbians who came there. And we became involved in their intrigues, confidantes from outside who knew nothing of the Scene.

For a time, I took tea with one friend in the garden of our house, and thought: my life is stable. But that social world was ephemeral, and began to fall apart right away. Didn’t some of us couple off? Didn’t vague enmities replace vague alliances? We were scattered again, and there were many cafes now in which to brace ourselves in the empty time of the ill and unemployed.

But how can I forget celebrating my birthday at the cafe, and going out that hot day to the Ees with one of the prettiest waitresses? Langour in the sun. She stretched white arms in the afternoon haze, the two of us in the long grass with a picnic. And as we went back again, as I thought: I should remember this. Another event to be pressed like a flower into an album.

And the time we went clubbing, and didn’t one of them, ‘the German’ we called her to each other, run her hands from the backs of my feet all the way up to my head. I was a person upon whom such moves were to be tried. Why not? Another moment, I thought; remember this – and hadn’t I learnt by then never to try to seize what was given, but to let such events fall away until everyone had forgotten them but me?

For their part, the waitresses were mostly graduates looking for work before they decided what was to be done with their lives and our joy was to share with them this brief intermission, when they hadn’t decided on their life’s course and were single, many of them, or at least in relationships they didn’t take quite seriously.

A glorious time, I thought, because their attention could be turned wholly towards you, but lightly – as they spoke, they were discovering what they said; when they joshed about it was with that lightness that comes of being released from the long chore of study, but not yet having taken on the yoke of real employment. And so they floated between our tables, all of them lovely and charming and light, sometimes sitting down with us at the end of their shifts, and sometimes ‘forgetting’ to charge us for the drinks we ordered.

They were always about to leave, and some did, but others stayed and became something like friends, since we were both stranded fortuitously together then before our lives had begun. Yes, it was our new tenant who started us talking – he was handsome and funny, and began to wear crushed velvet red trousers and a white shirt with cufflinks. We were Chorlton dandies in our stranded lives, dressing up because it was dull to dress down, and our days were very long with little to do but wander.

Somewhere far away, there was the completion of my studies, but for now, my life diffused itself across the whole of time, which I knew not as possibility, that project of the existentialists from which our tasks gain sense, but as dissipation – the flood that rose to strand me apart from myself and from anyone. A peculiar solitude, which you are hardly there to enjoy. A void into which moments fell and lost themselves. Who had charged me with pressing the essence of days?

My friend, of course, went back to drink, pissing himself as he lay half-clothed on the sofa. He left us, but there were rumours of him all about our suburb: a dandy gone to seed and separated from his companion. And the latest in an unlikely stream of girlfriends had me swept me up in madness.

She was ill, and I unemployed. Or was it the other way round? Either way, when it ended, it did so badly – I heard after from her friends the whole sad story I will not relate here. Didn’t we have, for a few brief days at the end, a semblance of a relationship? Hadn’t we made promises that didn’t seem hollow? But those promises, I think, did not so much stream in the wind that blew from our futures, as come apart in that present for which we were never quite a match.

We never sailed out under the proud flag of coupledom; we weren’t real enough, substantial enough: in what position were we to make promises? Isn’t it the pledge, for Nietzsche, that lets life become regulated? Isn’t it the contract and the promise that bind us to the time of tasks and projects?

I think I’ve always liked those who can barely keep appointments. Those who are not carried along in the stream of their life, but have found themselves becalmed in an ocean without winds or currents – ‘found themselves’, but barely even that, for it is no one in particular who has taken their place, and it is no one you meet when you meet them by chance in the street.

The question, what are you doing? finds no answer. What are you up to? likewise misses them. They speak, but perhaps they know they shouldn’t, that they do not belong to the city regenerating around us. They are of the old world, set adrift – the old welfare state, which let its ill and unemployed wander the streets. What’s become of them? Do they work? Have they been diagnosed as autistics or as depressives? Have they been prescribed a rescuing course of medicine?

Or have they fallen yet further, fallen from themselves and the what Deleuze might think as the interiority of time, as though they’d been cracked wide open, splayed to experience only time’s pure streaming? I imagine a kind of bliss might have claimed them. ‘Who are you?’ – ‘No one in particular.’ – ‘What do you do?’ – ‘Nothing.’ Suburban Bartlebys, then, with refusal in their faces and in the stubborn fragility of their bodies. Or Michael K.s, or the beatific adolescents of Korine’s Gummo.

Why, when I think of them, does Mark Kozelek’s voice come to me, and particular as it sounds live, detached from what he sings, but attached in that detachment: strange supplement that seems to void the songs from within, slow whirlwind that seizes up their words and lets them spin almost without meaning? ‘Almost’ because they are barely attached to the particularities of a life, because they express nothing lived in the first person.

And isn’t this is what is uncanny in the young Will Oldham, recording songs for the second Palace album in his kitchen, with the thunder rumbling in? And I think, too, of Cat Power’s bleached covers – songs strung out, songs washed of their colour, frayed like jeans no longer held together by their threads. Or rather, her voice gives unto no voice in particular, indifferent origin that sings without her, or with her as she is without herself, closed-eyed and singing into nothing.

And finally – the last of the holy trilogy, the presiding demigods of this blog – Bill Callahan, who records under his own name now, since even a parenthesised Smog cannot name what crumbles at the heart of his voice. Crumbles, for all the strength of his baritone, and gives itself to that streaming that he sings about on A River Ain’t Too Much To Love.

It is not his wisdom from which he sings, but from the knowledge of the simplicity of fate. A knowledge not his but that of the song that sings with him. Song, blank voiced, sings out with his voice, and though it seems continuous, and breathing, and real, it is none of those things, but the sound of a past fascinated with itself, the endless return, like fate, of the outside that hollows each of us out and opens us like a door.

These are simple experiences for me, and for which, I think, I’ve always wanted to find words. The most simple, the most obvious, and yet hidden for all that obviousness. A malady that no one suffers, or that no one suffers inside you. Inside, but there is no outside; the door is open, and through inner darkness you see a kind of landscape – a storm on the moon, ice without cease, stars driven like stigmata into the flesh of the night.

Formulations indebted, of course, to Blanchot, who is another of the demigods of the site – or is his work the soil from which it sprouts like a mushroom in the dark? Do our fascinations drive us toward our favourite authors, or are they born from that reading itself? Or are we drawn to them for what we share, strangely and at great distance, such that we choose for ourselves – or there is chosen for us – an affinity, something held in common?

To think with a thinker is more than to think about him. And it is to follow something like your fate, the destiny of a body, of a sensibility. Isn’t Nietzsche right to consider the digestive system as determining the shape and the body of thought? Strange that bodies might be joined by books. Or strange that books and songs are sloughed off like skin, drifting as you see dust motes float in a shaft of sunlight.

Stranger still that when the body sings, it is a voice that sings of the condition of singing – of a kind of power of speech that escapes your measure. As though song leaned back into Song, or singing into Singing: how to name a voice that supplements voice without belonging to it? of an initiative that began before the beginning? Of an origin that is only the interruption of origin, the present torn from itself?

But these formulations are as mysterious as any. Perhaps it can only be sung about or written. Sung, or written – or spoken, a voice that floats above images. And, each time, to let the voice – written, spoken – be caught by that Voice that speaks without words without being ineffable. A murmuring speech, an anonymous one, speech joined to all and to no one – isn’t this what is sought when writing, like speech, is thrown into the air like a kite? Another breeze. A wind above the wind, like that said to blow along the stratosphere. A kind of jet stream of song and of writing, moving in all directions in the upper atmosphere.

Perhaps I was never one of them, the ill and the unemployed. Or that my studies encased me in a bathysphere in which I could walk through our suburb with a line that fed me air from somewhere else. Was I only an anthropologist among the ill and the unemployed? Or was I like Kurtz, who had vanished among the tribes he was said to conquer? Neither, in the end; or both.

Others had faith for me. They said it would turn out well for me, but for them? They shrugged and looked at me with deep sea eyes. Sometimes I think all I am is the memory that keeps such looks, a living archive of chances not taken and barren paths. But then I know that this memorising is itself only a fold of the outside that writes of itself here, joining what cannot begin in the past and what will never happen in the future like the worn Ouroboros. Isn’t it to give a term to the interminable that writing begins? Isn’t it to give voice to the incessant?

The workmen are outside now, digging up the yard. I thought they’d bring a mechanical digger, but they are smashing the concrete with hammers. There’s no leak near the flat, they’ve discovered, and the underground river, if it flows, flows further out. But they’ll replace the pipe, they say, and have cut a long deep trench to reach the old one, summoning me out now and again to speak.

(See, on Gummo, Thomas Carl Wall’s essay Dolce Stil Novo: Harmony Korine’s Vernacular – Project Muse only)

One Man And His Damp

‘Damp’s easy to fix!’, said Blah-Feme, months ago, and with his usual confidence. ‘And it’s pretty cheap, considering’. I suspected he was wrong, but his judgement buoyed me: perhaps he’s right, I thought, and I’ve just been unlucky with all the workmen and damp companies who’ve come out over the years. But I’ve learnt since what I already knew: damp calls for a Talmudic inquiry; I will go from one wise man to another, from one to another, but none of them is really certain of the Law. There is no big Other when it comes to diagnosing the causes of damp, and subjective destitution comes when you touch a wall that is more soaking than ever.

There it is, the sinthome, naked and unashamed. There it is, strange pleasure, that, if it could gaze would look at me now from the soaked, grey plaster. And won’t it look at me again when the plaster is hacked off and the brick stands naked and seemingly without secret. Brick, wet brick, in its simplicity, its nudity, just as it stood last September, before the damp course and then the new plaster until it began again, the damp, beginning in the top righthand corner even as I held a party to celebrate the new kitchen I’d had installed, and then radiating out, strange, wet sun, to reach every part of the kitchen.

Now, three months later, its victory is total; mould is growing in patches, the damp is blackening, and a fine layer of downy salt covers the plaster. I stroke it and it flakes down: salt from the wall. Salt leached from the wall: isn’t it rather beautiful? Above me, the new joists and the wooden boards fastened over them. Dry as a bone now; nothing comes from there, the corner where the leak ran. How excited we were, the plumber and I, when we found it! Water poured down, we discovered, when the sink was emptied upstairs or the washing machine ran! It was from upstairs, and not from a copper pipe embedded in the wall! We were both joyous.

But a few weeks later when I called him again, he said it couldn’t be just the leak that was causing it. There was something worse, something deeper. And what was that rushing sound? What was that sound of an underground river? He turned the stopcock off and listened hard. It’s coming from there, he knocked the wall, from the other side of that. That’s your problem! Howay, Lars man. And shook his head. You’ll need to get someone out, he said. It’s urgent. And left shaking his head and swearing, and without taking money for either of his visits, except for the twenty pound note I pressed into his hand.

I called the water company first thing – and I would call them again, first thing, when the lines opened in the morning, for thirty days in a row. I tried pleading and wailing and sternness. I lost my will and then was filled with new hope and then bored of it all, by turns. Every day, every morning! Every single morning! I began to phone more sporadically, hope drooping even as I continued to hear, as the plumber heard, something like an underground river behind the wall, streaming all dryness away.

And in the meantime, all the dramas of work and life; in the time between everything continued to happen in its complicated way. There was a Symposium; our guests who flew in from other parts of the world heard all about the damp, and they even drove here in a taxi, dropping me off before they continued to the airport. Three Lacan-inspired theorists in a cab, driving away.

And still the damp. Always there, the damp. I’d breathe it, and imagine I breathed spores in the air. Mould in my lungs like asbestos. Spores growing in my heart. Mildew over my skin: the air was wet. Eventually, I learned I had to call the industry regulator. I called, and got straight through, one man, I imagined, in a little office; by the next day, a subcontractor of the water company phoned back: they’d dig up the lane behind my flat.

Very well, I said, having been promised this before. The next day they came, without knocking on the door, or announcing themselves. But they were far away in the lane, and the leak was close, by the wall. I called a workman in. Listen, I said. Do you hear it? He hears it. It’s where copper meets lead, he said. The lead comes off the mains in the lane and then meets copper, he said. They’re always leaking, he said. But he wasn’t allowed to dig up the yard he said. I’d need to sign a permission slip for that.

A dozen phonecalls and two weeks later – it’s December now, and chilly – a man calls at the door for me to sign a permission slip. And then two more weeks pass, and I hear nothing. It’s just before Christmas. The industry regulator is on the case, the complaints department knows me; the subcontractors who work for the water company are familiar with my name, but still nothing is done. Until finally, delaying my trip away for the holidays, they come out again to dig up the lane, the same hole, and give the same verdict. The leak’s closer to the flat, they say, and they’ll need a permission slip to dig there.

And I can hear the water rushing. Every night I hear it, rushing in the dark as though on an unknown and urgent journey. Every night, when I going into the bathroom, I hear it rushing beneath the floorboards. And hearing it by day, faintly, determinedly, seeking what ever it sought as it ran by the wall in the kitchen. I’ve signed the slip, I told the water company’s contractors. And gave up.

No more phonecalls for a time, I thought. There was the damp, and the water rushing, the one and the other. Let it rest. Until the new year, and a few days ago, a phonecall from the complaints division. A reassuring voice. ‘It’s in my hands now’. But I’ve heard that before. ‘We’ll do what we can, Mr —-; I will personally see to it’; ‘I understand your frustration; I’d be just as annoyed if I were in your position. Don’t worry, you’ll hear from us soon’; ‘It’s no good telling that to me. It’s the subcontractors you should be talking to’ – and then, from the subcontractors, ‘it’s the water company you should be speaking to. Have a word with them.’

For a time, they had me confused with someone else. ‘We’ve already dug up your yard.’ – ‘No you haven’t!’ She reads out an address. ‘That’s not my address.’ – ‘Are you a Mr Traviss?’ – ‘No, that’s not my name.’ – ‘Oh I’m sorry, we must have you confused with someone else.’ From that time on – late October – it’s as if we began again. There was someone confused with me all along. The contractors had already been out, they thought. They’d dug up the yard, they thought. Earlier still – a month after I first complained – they were similarly sure the contractors had been out. ‘We’ve records of it.’ – ‘I haven’t seen them.’

So when the phonecall comes in January, I know what to do. I log the time of the call, and the name of the caller. I tell her I expect to hear from her by noon the next day, or I would call her back (but there are no direct lines; the same queues, the same dumb music every time – the same half hour wasted, and explaining to someone new, someone else, the whole history of the problem, and that I was not Mr Traviss and never was). And I put the phone down with no expectation she would ring back.

But later that day, on a windy street, she calls my mobile and I hear her voice again. ‘I’m sending someone out.’ – ‘Great, when?’ – ‘Anytime next week. When suits you?’ – ‘Monday.’ – ‘We can’t come Monday.’ – ‘Tuesday, then. A.M.’ And we are agreed. Tuesday A.M.: tomorrow. Tomorrow!

In the last few weeks, the drying company’s been out and agreed to install dehumidifiers once the plaster comes off. The drying expert walked round the back of the house with me and pressed the wet, green-tinged rendering on the other side of the kitchen wall. Nine inches thick, he said, they built them solid in those days. I ask him if he thinks the brick’s corroded (water, the plumber told me, can eat brick from inside like acid). Could be, he said. Either way, can’t tell ’til the plaster’s off.

The next day, the Loss Adjuster and the contractors met in my kitchen. It’s got worse, they agreed. But decided in the end the insurance would pay, although I would have to get the external walls re-rendered, just to make sure. ‘I’ll get onto it,’ I told them. And I did, phoning the builders about the quote they’d give me months ago. They sent out a permission slip to sign, which I signed and posted back by return of post. And all this with no faith, with all hope withered away, but stalwart, adjusted, knowing the abandonment of hope did not preclude something happening. Down to the brick – what would they discover? All the way down – what would they find?

It’s been going on for years. I called six damp proofing companies out in turn, one after another. The water’s getting in behind the rendering, said one. You’ll have to strip it off, repoint the brick, and render it again. Above all, don’t replace the rendering, said another, you’ll need to leave the wall unrendered to let the water get out somewhere. It’s the hole in your wall, said another, referring to the long scar left where the lead pipe had to come out. It’s letting in the weather.

And still another discounted that and the other explanations. It’s your hopper, he said, showing me a thick patch of green at the top of the pipe through which it drained. Ah, I said, impressed at his observational powers. All of them agreed a damp course would help things. All of them agreed to provide one. We’ll tank it right up to the ceiling.

The year pressed on. Summer still, and dry, but I was worried at the damage the weather would cause through winter. But the damp proofers I chose were sure: don’t bother with the back wall yet. The wall needs to breathe. To breathe! But so did I! My lungs were full of spores! My lungs were caked with mildew!

Then the old kitchen went, and the new kitchen came, and I lived at Blah-Feme’s while the kitchen and the bathroom were done. I came back to check the work every morning, early, photographing it as it proceeded. All kinds of dramas: misdelivered goods, goods I had to replace from remote showrooms, the floor scratched and damaged, but it was done, the kitchen ready, and everyone came round for the party.

But the damp had appeared again. The damp, unvanquished, had appeared in the corner. And Blah-Feme said, it’s nothing, it’ll dry out. But by the next day, it had spread. And the day after, it had spread further, fanning out. And in a fortnight, the kitchen was soaked and the new, white cupboards were mildewed and the new plaster was covered in a film of water, and the air in the flat was damp again, and as damp as before. What madness!

That was September, when I called out the plumber. September after six months of damp proofers and diagnoses. September and it was the rushing river of water behind the wall that seemed most ominous. September and the water rushing like fate, a little personal Egdon Heath there behind the wall.

‘Either it’s getting better or it’s not’, said Blah-Feme firmly before he visited a fortnight ago, ‘which is it?’ I said I didn’t know, but a fine layer of salt had appeared, and it was nearly as charming as the small snails that used to fall from the hole in the ceiling. When he was round he looked at the white powder and pronounced it to be lime. ‘You’re very certain,’ I said. And he decided it was getting better. The smell’s gone, he said, and I thought he was right. Perhaps the kitchen was drying.

Back in November, I’d told Mladen Dolar, Jodi and K-Punk about the damp. Mladen asked me what I wrote about. ‘Damp, just damp.’ And they were driven off, three Lacan-inspired theorists in the taxi, leaving me at my door. I opened it, and there was a wave of damp, the old familiar smell. I wrote a post on damp, then another. Blah-Feme with Hero Harvest in Liverpool texted to say they loved the posts on damp. Even W. was moved. ‘My God,’ he said.

Back in the summer, down at W.’s, I told a prominent Levinasian scholar and her partner all about my flat. W. joined in. ‘It’s disgusting! The yard used to be filled with sewage! All the windows were jammed shut! And the kitchen! My God, the kitchen!’ They decided to visit me, the scholar and her partner, to see the kitchen at first hand.

That was in the days of the slugs, when nightly, through some nook or another, great slugs would find their way into the kitchen and then, slithering under the door, find their way into the lounge and leave translucent trails across the bare wood. My guests were impressed, watching me pick them up and hurl them over the back wall.

‘Can’t you cook them?’ I said I wished I could, dropping them into a stirfry, or steaming them like Dim Sum. Still other slugs were shrivelled along the side of the sink, where I had poured a thick line of blue slug pellets. My morning’s harvest! My guests took photos, impressed.

Back at his house, W. and I had explained my flat in Levinasian terms: the kitchen gave unto the il y a, we said, and in a Blanchotian one: the kitchen was an image of itself, we said. We went as far as Heidegger: my kitchen, we decided, suspended relationality. It was a kind of reduction. All this to explain the true horror of the kitchen to our phenomenologically-inclined guests.

‘Being is horror’, said W., ‘and horror’s his kitchen.’ We compared the idea of nausea in Levinas and Sartre, and cosmologies that saw order emerging from chaos. The tohu-bohu, said W., a scholar of Biblical Hebrew, that’s his flat. Absolute horror. He tells them they’ll understand once they’ve watched Satantango. Cosmic shit, says W., that’s what Bela Tarr called it an interview. Ontological shit, I say.